What Are High Abilities? Characteristics, Types, and Key Concepts
Summary
High abilities encompass diverse profiles, including talent, giftedness, and precocity. Beyond academic performance, they are often associated with curiosity, creativity, critical thinking, and emotional sensitivity. Understanding concepts such as asynchronous development and twice-exceptionality helps provide support tailored to each individual’s strengths and specific needs.
When we talk about high ability, it’s easy to imagine someone who simply learns quickly or gets good grades. However, the reality is far more complex and rich than that simplified idea. High ability does not define a single type of person; rather, it encompasses very diverse profiles, each with their own strengths, learning pace, and needs. In this content, you will find a clear explanation of what this term really means, what characteristics these individuals typically share, and why it is so important to understand them beyond academic achievement. We will discuss curiosity, creativity, critical thinking, emotional sensitivity, and also the challenges that may arise in their development. Additionally, we will explore key concepts such as specific talent, giftedness, and precocity, so we can differentiate between them and better understand each case. A journey designed to view high ability with greater nuance, fewer labels, and deeper understanding.
What is High Ability?
High ability is a broad term used to describe different forms of intellectual development. It is referred to as an «umbrella term» because it encompasses different realities—there is no single definition or single criterion for identifying it.
Moreover, individuals with high ability form a very diverse group: they are not all the same, nor do they all present the same characteristics. Within this concept, we will discuss specific talent, giftedness, and precocity.
Common Characteristics of High Ability
Before we begin, it is important to note that the characteristics described below are the most frequent within high ability. However, this is not a homogeneous group: each person is different and presents their own emotional, social, and intellectual characteristics. Nevertheless, it is possible to find certain similarities among different profiles.
Learning and Motivation: Individuals with high ability typically learn rapidly and without requiring much practice. They tend to develop solid critical thinking skills, formulating their own criteria, and demonstrate a broad range of interests. Additionally, they stand out for their capacity to establish unusual connections between different topics.
Regarding motivation, they typically prefer to work independently, enjoy challenges, and demonstrate great capacity for concentration and persistence, especially when something interests them.
Cognitive Level: They typically have a rich, extensive, and elaborate vocabulary and are capable of reaching complex reasoning for their age. The questions they formulate tend to be profound and of high quality, as is their way of expressing ideas. This expression is not limited to verbal language; it can also manifest in striking ways through drawing, art, or physical expression.
They stand out for their ability to solve problems, both academic and everyday, and for their capacity to generate innovative ideas. Additionally, they can manage and assimilate large amounts of information, especially when a topic captures their interest—which, as we have mentioned, tends to be quite varied.
When something motivates them, they demonstrate great autonomy, commitment, and persistence. Conversely, routine or repetitive tasks can diminish their interest, whereas novel proposals prove more stimulating. They typically have broad curiosity and, in many cases, present high levels of self-demand.
Socioemotional Level: They may display a sense of humour different from that of their peer group. In the social sphere, it is common for them to prefer relating to older individuals, although it is also beneficial for them to have different groups of friendships that respond to their diverse needs.
In some cases, they may present emotional hypersensitivity. It is also common for them to stand out for a strong sense of justice, interest in resolving conflicts, and concern about existential topics that are not always expected for their age.
Asynchronous Development: A relevant characteristic in many high-ability profiles is asynchronous development. This term refers to the difference between cognitive development and emotional, social, or psychomotor development. In other words, they may display a very advanced level in some areas while in others their development is in line with their age or even more immature.
Twice Exceptional (2e): Twice exceptionality refers to the coexistence of high ability with one or more learning difficulties, neurodevelopmental disorders, or mental health conditions. This is a particularly complex profile that requires careful evaluation and support. These are highly irregular profiles, with significant variability among different abilities. This topic requires considerable attention and merits its own dedicated article to be developed with the depth it deserves and requires.
Concepts Encompassed by High Ability
As we have mentioned previously, the term «high ability» encompasses different realities. Below, we briefly explain what each one consists of.
Talent
We speak of talent when there is especially elevated aptitude in a specific type of information or processing. One of its main characteristics is irregularity, since that high performance does not necessarily occur in other areas. Within talent, we can differentiate two types:
- Simple Talent: refers to very elevated aptitude in a single area or competence. Some examples include:
- Mathematical talent
- Verbal talent
- Creative talent
- Logical talent
- Social talent
- Motor talent
- Complex Talent (Multi-domain Talent): in this case, scores are not as elevated as in specific talent, but they appear in several areas. Some types include:
- Academic talent
- Artistic-figurative talent
- Musical talent
Giftedness
Giftedness is characterised by an elevated level of resources across the range of intellectual abilities. Unlike talent, this is a more homogeneous profile, since high performance is observed in a generalised way, although individuals may also stand out particularly in a specific area. It typically shows a slower evolution and tends to manifest more clearly from around 12 years of age.
To identify giftedness, three main aspects are usually taken into account:
- An elevated level across all intellectual abilities
- Age (around 12 years or older)
- Creativity
Regarding creativity, there is no absolute consensus. For some authors it is an essential criterion, while for others it is not. Taking this into account, and following models in which creativity is not exclusive, a distinction can be made between:
- Academic Giftedness: meets the above criteria but does not present especially high levels of creativity.
- Productive Giftedness: in addition to meeting the criteria, it stands out for a high level of creativity.
Precocity
Precocity does not refer so much to an intellectual level as to a developmental pace. It implies that during the early stages of life, learning and development occur faster than expected for the child’s age.
However, once the maturation process is complete, intellectual capacity may fall within the average range. For this reason, the age criterion is especially important when identifying giftedness.
It is important to note that precocity may or may not lead to high ability. In any case, it is fundamental to attend to the specific needs of each child and conduct appropriate follow-up. During this process, it is advisable to avoid generating expectations and instead focus on accompanying and responding to individual needs at each moment.
Ultimately, high ability constitutes a complex and diverse phenomenon that cannot be understood from a single definition or single profile. As we have seen, it encompasses different realities such as specific talent, giftedness, and precocity, each with its own characteristics and different ways of manifesting. Furthermore, aspects such as asynchronous development or possible twice exceptionality highlight the importance of understanding these profiles from a broad and individualised perspective. For this reason, it is fundamental to avoid rigid labels and instead focus on a holistic understanding of the person, attending to both their strengths and their specific needs, with the aim of providing adjusted, respectful, and appropriate support for each case.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
1. What are high abilities?
High abilities is a broad term that includes different intellectual development profiles, such as talent, giftedness, and precocity.
2. Do all people with high abilities share the same characteristics?
No. Each individual has a unique profile, although traits such as curiosity, rapid learning, critical thinking, and creativity are common.
3. What is asynchronous development?
It refers to a mismatch between cognitive development and emotional, social, or motor development.
4. What is the difference between talent and giftedness?
Talent involves exceptionally high ability in one or several specific areas, whereas giftedness reflects a more globally elevated intellectual profile.
5. Does precocity always mean a child has high abilities?
No. Precocity refers to an accelerated developmental pace during childhood and does not necessarily lead to high abilities later on.
About the author
Laura Redondo Fidalgo is a Clinical Psychologist and Neuropsychologist at Sinews. She works with a wide range of issues, including anxiety, depression, grief, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationship problems, among others. Her approach is cognitive-behavioral, but she also incorporates tools and techniques from other modalities, such as Third Generation Therapies, adapting to the specific needs of each patient, thanks to her continuous training.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Children, adolescents and adults
Languages: English and Spanish
Could You Say What Your Values Are? Do You Live According to Them? Values in ACT
Summary
The article explains the central role of values in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), distinguishing them from goals. Values act as a compass guiding behavior toward a meaningful life. It suggests exploring them across life domains and understanding them as a flexible, ongoing process that promotes self-awareness and self-compassion.
In a previous article written by one of my colleagues, Emma she explained what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is, its theoretical foundations, and the contexts in which it may be a helpful perspective. By way of summary and as a brief refresher, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a psychological approach aimed at developing psychological flexibility: the ability to remain in contact with one’s internal experience as it is, while at the same time acting in a way that is consistent with personal values. To this end, ACT works through a set of interrelated processes, including acceptance of difficult emotions, cognitive defusion, contact with the present moment, a flexible sense of self, and committed action. Within this model, values play a central role, as they provide direction and meaning to behavior, guiding decisions and change toward a fuller and more meaningful life, even in the presence of discomfort. Given the importance of values within this approach, today’s article will focus specifically on understanding what values are and why they are so important.
What Do We Mean by Values?
“Values” is a word we hear quite frequently in our everyday lives, but do we really know what we are referring to? Do we have our values as clear as we think we do? Do we actually live according to them, or do we just believe we do? What are they for? Are they really that important?
These are many questions, and all of them are very good ones. In some cases, people have a very clear idea of what their values are, while in others, describing or defining them can be much more difficult. In addition, most of us are familiar with commonly shared values (such as family or solidarity), but there are many more values with which you may feel more personally identified.
Before continuing, it is important to clarify that values are influenced by multiple factors, such as the country we live in, our culture, beliefs, spirituality, family, or education, among others. Even so, values are personal and can differ greatly from one person to another. There is no single correct hierarchy of values nor one valid way of living them: each person builds their own values based on their personal history and experiences, and this diversity is natural and healthy. Not all of us share the same values, and that is perfectly fine.
Working with values allows us to live a life that feels meaningful and nourishing. From the ACT perspective, values are like a compass: they provide direction. They indicate the direction our actions should take to move us closer to what truly matters to us. At this point, it is important to highlight the difference between values and personal goals. To better understand this distinction, we can use a metaphor that may be helpful: the skier metaphor.
“Imagine you go skiing and take the chairlift up to the top of the mountain. A man appears next to you and asks what your goal is. You reply that it is the chairlift station at the bottom. Suddenly, a helicopter appears, the man pushes you inside, and you are immediately taken down to the bottom station. When you go back up again, the same man and the helicopter appear once more and help you reach your goal. You become very angry, even though they have helped you reach it. Because skiing is not just about reaching the bottom of the chairlift again. Skiing is about how you get there. Knowing where you are going, what goal you want to reach, and so on.”
Therefore, values are not things to be achieved; they provide guidance. Goals, on the other hand, are the concrete things we can do in our daily lives through which we express those values. For example, if an important value for you is “being family-oriented,” one goal or committed action aligned with that value could be organizing a family dinner once a month. In other words, values are not achievable, and they do not need to be. Committed actions, however, are achievable.
Exploring Your Values Across Life Areas
To identify your values, it is helpful to explore each area that is important in your life, such as family, partner, children, friendships, professional career, or education. Once you have identified the areas that matter most to you, you can ask yourself meaningful questions for each one:
- Family: What kind of relationship would I like to have with my sibling?
- Partner: If the relationship were ideal, how would you behave with your partner?
- Children: How would I like to relate to my children?
- Friendships: What would I like to contribute to my relationships with friends?
- Professional career: What do I value most in my job?
- Education: What do I consider valuable about learning?
There may be other areas that are more important to you, or you may think of some that are not listed here. You can include those areas as well.
Putting Them into Words and Reviewing Your Actions
Once you have answered these questions, it will be easier to put your values into words. Then we can move on to the next step: what actions are you currently taking in your life to move closer to those values? You can write down the things you already do that you believe help you move toward your values and toward the way you want to live your life.
You may have an answer for every area, many answers for some, and none for others. It is important not to judge yourself—this is an exercise in awareness and self-knowledge. The final step is to decide, for each area, whether what you are currently doing feels sufficient or whether you would like to add something more.
Values as an Ongoing Process
It is important to highlight that values are an ongoing process, not a fixed endpoint. Values are not a static list or something that is achieved and completed; rather, they are dynamic and are reviewed and adjusted throughout life. Our values may evolve, expand, or shift in priority depending on the stage of life we are in.
Finally, committing to a values-based life involves action, but also flexibility and kindness toward oneself. At times, we turn values into new demands: “I should be more family-oriented,” “I should be more present,” “I’m not doing this well enough.” Without realizing it, values can become another source of pressure.
From an ACT perspective, commitment does not mean doing everything or doing it perfectly. It means accepting that there will be days of exhaustion, doubt, and contradiction. This is where self-compassion plays a fundamental role. Looking at ourselves with understanding when we fall short, make mistakes, or drift off course allows us to reorient ourselves without self-punishment.
Resources
Below, I leave you an explanatory video that may also help you better understand the difference between a values-oriented life and a goal-oriented life:
If you feel that you need support to clarify your values and your life direction, or if you are simply curious to explore and get to know yourself better in this area, a psychology professional can help you. Seeking help is a healthy decision that promotes self-knowledge and emotional well-being.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
1. What are values in ACT?
They are personal directions that guide behavior toward a meaningful life, even in the presence of discomfort.
2. How are values different from goals?
Values are ongoing directions, while goals are specific and achievable outcomes.
3. How can I identify my values?
By reflecting on key life areas and considering how you would like to behave in each.
4. Do values change over time?
Yes, they are dynamic and can evolve with life experiences and stages.
5. What if I don’t act according to my values?
It is part of the process; self-compassion helps you return to your chosen direction without judgment.
About the author
Laura Redondo Fidalgo is a Clinical Psychologist and Neuropsychologist at Sinews. She works with a wide range of issues, including anxiety, depression, grief, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationship problems, among others. Her approach is cognitive-behavioral, but she also incorporates tools and techniques from other modalities, such as Third Generation Therapies, adapting to the specific needs of each patient, thanks to her continuous training.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Children, adolescents and adults
Languages: English and Spanish
My Child Has Been Diagnosed with ADHD: What Can I Do Now?
Have you just received an ADHD diagnosis for one of your children and aren’t quite sure what it means? It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, uncertain, or even a little afraid.
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is more common than it might seem, and receiving a diagnosis is not the end — it’s the beginning of a journey toward understanding and support. If you’re the one who has received the diagnosis, you might find it helpful to read this other article by my colleague.
What Is ADHD?
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, as defined in the DSM-5 (the diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals). These types of disorders begin in the developmental period and persist throughout life.
The heritability rate of ADHD is very high, estimated at around 77%. However, while genetics play an important role, environmental factors also influence and shape a child’s development. Approximately 5% to 7% of the child population has ADHD, and it is diagnosed more frequently in boys than in girls. This difference seems to stem, in part, from diagnostic bias: girls often display more internalized (less visible) symptoms, while boys tend to show more externalized (more noticeable) behaviors.
ADHD Subtypes
If a professional has confirmed that your child has ADHD, they have likely also identified a subtype. There are three main subtypes:
- Predominantly Inattentive: meets the criteria for inattention, but not for hyperactivity-impulsivity.
- Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive: meets the criteria for hyperactivity-impulsivity, but not for inattention.
- Combined: meets the criteria for both types.
These subtypes depend on the number and nature of the diagnostic criteria met.
Inattention
- Makes careless mistakes or overlooks details.
- Has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or activities.
- Seems not to listen when spoken to directly.
- Fails to follow through on instructions or finish tasks.
- Struggles with organization and time management.
- Avoids tasks that require sustained mental effort.
- Frequently loses items necessary for tasks or activities.
- Is easily distracted by external stimuli or thoughts.
- Forgets daily activities.
Hyperactivity and Impulsivity
- Is constantly moving or fidgeting with hands or feet.
- Gets up from the seat when remaining seated is expected.
- Runs or climbs in inappropriate situations (in adults: feelings of restlessness).
- Has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly.
- Acts as if “driven by a motor.”
- Talks excessively.
- Blurts out answers before questions have been completed.
- Has difficulty waiting for their turn.
- Interrupts or intrudes on others’ conversations, games, or activities.
Diagnostic Criteria
These difficulties must have appeared before the age of 12, since ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder. It is essential to conduct a differential diagnosis, because not all attention, emotional regulation, or behavioral problems are due to ADHD. Factors such as daily routines or excessive screen use can also have an impact.
Although ADHD is a clinical diagnosis, a comprehensive assessment is recommended. This should include information from the school, the family, and the child, along with standardized tests. These assessments typically evaluate general cognitive abilities, attention processes, executive functions, and socioemotional development.
It is estimated that around 85% of children with ADHD have at least one comorbidity, making in-depth evaluation crucial. ADHD should not be diagnosed before the age of 6–7, but that doesn’t mean early intervention isn’t possible; you can begin working on the areas where difficulties are observed.
Understanding ADHD
The “brain-in-your-hand” model, proposed by Dr. Dan Siegel, offers a simple and visual way to understand how our brain works, especially useful when explaining it to children or families. Of course, the brain is much more complex, but this educational metaphor helps us visualize its main parts and how they interact. Imagine your hand closed into a fist:
- The wrist represents the brainstem, which controls basic and automatic survival functions such as breathing.
- The thumb tucked inside represents the emotional center, where strong emotions, memories, and instinctive reactions (like those from the amygdala) are processed.
- The fingers folded over the thumb represent the prefrontal cortex: the “thinking” part of the brain that allows us to reflect, make decisions, plan, control impulses, and regulate emotions.
When the fist is closed, all these brain areas work together harmoniously: we think, feel, and act in balance. But when stress or frustration rise, the fingers lift: the rational part “disconnects” from the emotional part. In that moment, we react impulsively or emotionally — what Siegel calls “flipping your lid.”
For children with ADHD, the main challenge lies precisely in the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for executive functions: planning, regulating behavior, controlling attention and managing emotions. That’s why it’s not that they don’t want to, but rather that they often struggle to do so.
As psychologist Rafael Guerrero explains, the prefrontal cortex works like the conductor of an orchestra: it organizes, sets the pace, and coordinates all other parts. When the conductor has trouble keeping rhythm, each instrument (emotion, attention, action) starts playing on its own.
How Can We Help Children with ADHD?
The most effective approach is a multidisciplinary treatment, involving different professionals such as psychologists, neuropsychologists, child psychiatrists, educational psychologists, speech therapists, and teachers.
Types of Intervention
- Medication: Always under professional supervision. Medication is not recommended as the first option for children, except in severe cases or when therapy has not been effective. Even then, it should be combined with psychological intervention.
- Child-focused intervention: Psychological and neuropsychological therapy tailored to the individual case. If other difficulties are present (such as learning or language disorders), additional support from educational psychologists or speech therapists may be required.
- Parent-focused intervention: Parents play a key role. These sessions provide space to resolve doubts, understand neurodiversity, and learn strategies for daily life. Coordination between the therapist and the family is essential.
- Teacher-focused intervention: Because children spend a large part of their day at school, collaboration with teachers and the educational team is fundamental. Smooth, personalized communication helps improve the child’s emotional well-being and academic progress.
Receiving an ADHD diagnosis for your child is not the end: it’s the beginning of a path toward understanding, support and growth.
ADHD is a common neurodevelopmental disorder with a strong hereditary component, though environmental factors also play a role. It can present in three subtypes: inattentive, hyperactive-impulsive, and combined; and symptoms must have appeared before the age of 12. Diagnosis should be comprehensive, including input from family, school, and standardized assessments, since other difficulties often coexist.
The “brain-in-your-hand” model reminds us that children with ADHD are not lacking in willpower, they face real challenges with self-regulation. They need understanding, tailored strategies, and adults who can guide and support them. The most effective approach is multidisciplinary and coordinated, combining professional work, family collaboration, and school involvement.
With empathy, structure, and the right strategies, children with ADHD can develop their strengths and reach their full potential.
Resources
Los 4 cerebros de Arantxa – Rafael Guerro (libro para los más pequeños)
About the author
Laura Redondo Fidalgo is a Clinical Psychologist and Neuropsychologist at Sinews. She works with a wide range of issues, including anxiety, depression, grief, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationship problems, among others. Her approach is cognitive-behavioral, but she also incorporates tools and techniques from other modalities, such as Third Generation Therapies, adapting to the specific needs of each patient, thanks to her continuous training.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Children, adolescents and adults
Languages: English and Spanish
Do You Think You Control Your Mind? Let’s Try an Experiment
Summary
This article explores our relationship with thoughts and how difficult it is to control them. Through examples and metaphors, it explains why avoiding uncomfortable thoughts increases distress and how acceptance can lead to a healthier mental relationship.
What would you think if I told you that it’s estimated that a person can have around 60,000 thoughts in a single day? Would you believe it? Does it seem like a lot to you? Too little? How do you relate to your thoughts? Are you constantly ruminating over the same thing?
If you don’t have all the answers, I invite you to keep reading — I hope that after this article, you’ll have a better understanding of what a thought really is. To better grasp the power our thoughts have over us, I propose we carry out a small experiment.
The Power of the Pink Elephant
Let’s start with an exercise. I’m going to ask you NOT TO THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT. For the next few seconds, try to focus on not thinking about a pink elephant. I dare to guess that two possible scenarios may have occurred. In one of them, as soon as you read “pink elephant,” even though the instruction was not to think about it, you couldn’t help but picture the elephant in your mind. Likely, the image popped up involuntarily.
Perhaps, after this first appearance, you tried to control it and push the thought away — scenario number two. However, was it easy to control it? Maybe you got distracted or focused on something else. Still, I’d bet that once you stop trying, the image comes back. And you might say, “Okay, sure, but what does this have to do with my thoughts?” Much more than you might think.
From this experiential exercise, we can draw several conclusions. First, many of our thoughts are automatic — they appear without any conscious effort on our part. They travel through our minds independently. Second, paradoxically, trying not to think about something makes it show up even more. Third, trying to control our thoughts requires mental energy and effort, and it’s not something simple.
In the short term, pushing away a thought might bring some relief. But if the strategy demands a huge amount of effort, is it something we can realistically sustain over the long term? It’s very helpful to imagine our mind like a highway where there’s always traffic. Depending on the time of day, there are more or fewer cars — and sometimes even traffic jams. It’s a highway that cannot be shut down. The highway is our brain, and the cars are our thoughts.
So, What Is a Thought?
Now that we’ve personally experienced how difficult it is to control a thought, it’s time to ask ourselves: what exactly is a thought?
Sometimes, people think in images. However, in this article, we’ll focus on those thoughts that aren’t images but words. Yes, you read that correctly — thoughts are nothing more than language. Let’s try another exercise to become more aware of our thoughts. Often, we aren’t even conscious of what we’re thinking. We take our internal dialogue throughout the day for granted and assume that what we think is accurate and real. But what if I told you that not everything we think is true? Sometimes, we deceive ourselves. Before diving deeper, let’s complete this exercise. You might find it helpful to close your eyes. Focus on what’s crossing your mind right now and write it down below:
- Thought 1:
- Thought 2:
- Thought 3:
After the exercise, it’s as if we’ve externalized what was inside us. What form do they take now? Exactly — words. Words are just that: words. What I mean is, just like we can invent a completely made-up story from scratch, if the content of our mind is language, why couldn’t it work the same way?
To understand why language holds so much power in our minds, we need to take a brief look at our species’ history.
Language is a fundamental part of our nature. Thanks to language, humans can evaluate the consequences of actions, predict or anticipate the future, learn from the past, accumulate knowledge, and regulate both their own and others’ behavior. In fact, it’s because of language that humanity has reached such high levels of cultural, intellectual, and environmental development.
Thus, we can say that language has been key to human survival. In the past, communication was vital. It allowed our ancestors to defend themselves, attack, and ultimately survive. However, today, we live in a society where life-threatening danger is not an everyday reality. In this context, confusing thoughts with reality can generate great distress. For instance, in ancient times, if someone said a mammoth was coming, a mammoth was indeed coming. Thought and reality were aligned, and the alert was real. Today, we might think we’re going to get fired, fall ill, or that something bad will happen — and yet it might not be real, or there might be no evidence for it.
Thus, thought and reality are two separate dimensions. Because of this, when we have “positive/pleasant thoughts,” we tend to believe we will have positive experiences; and when we have “negative/unpleasant thoughts,” we anticipate negative outcomes. We create a cause-and-effect relationship: if I think a certain way, certain things will happen. Relating to our thoughts in this way makes it logical for us to try to escape, flee, and avoid anything that feels “negative.” But as we’ve seen earlier, the more we try to run from a thought, the more persistently it follows us.
We Try to Avoid the Unavoidable
Even though it’s a truth we might not like, suffering is an inherent part of life. Suffering includes losses, disappointments, sadness — emotions and experiences we all face at some point. Nevertheless, in modern societies, progress seems to be geared toward rejecting discomfort. But let’s ask ourselves: could we move a mountain? We might try, but it’s highly unlikely we’d succeed. The same thing happens here. While avoiding suffering might seem like a logical response, today this strategy can end up working against us. Reality is often understood as two opposing teams: either I feel good or I feel bad. If I feel good, it means I’m thinking positively; everything is normal, and I can live comfortably. But if I feel bad, it must be because I’m thinking negatively, something must be wrong, and life becomes uncomfortable. Our main goal becomes feeling good, because we believe that feeling bad is wrong. Thus, we try to avoid doubts, worries, and “negative” emotions (if such a thing even exists). The truth is, as long as those emotions have a reasonable cause, intensity, frequency, and duration, they are part of being human. There will be other times, of course, when seeking professional support is necessary.
Some everyday examples of avoidance might sound like:
- "Don't cry."
- "Don't worry."
- "Just think positively and you’ll forget everything."
When we try to escape from all discomfort, it can develop into what is known as Experiential Avoidance Disorder. This occurs when a person uses avoidance as a generalized coping strategy, affecting many areas of life and significantly limiting their functioning. In our attempt to run away from memories, thoughts, emotions, or images that generate discomfort, we end up also avoiding everything that brings us joy. When we avoid what makes us uncomfortable, we feel immediate relief, which in turn reinforces avoidance. It becomes a never-ending cycle, where we build a cozy castle for ourselves — but at the cost of everything we stop experiencing outside those walls.
Believing that thoughts are reality leads us to suffer when their content is distressing. Since we don’t like suffering, we avoid — and by avoiding, we only make the thought stronger. Accepting our humanity, with all its light and shadows, is not about giving up — it’s about beginning to live more fully. There are many strategies that can help us build a healthier relationship with our thoughts. As we’ve seen, thoughts are like fellow travelers: we can’t always control who gets in, but we can decide how to coexist with them. In the next article, we’ll delve deeper into some of these tools.
Meanwhile, remember: you don’t have to walk this path alone. If you’ve been feeling unwell for a long time, if your discomfort interferes with your life, or even if you simply feel you need some support, seeking professional help is an act of bravery and self-care. The right guidance can make all the difference and help you discover new ways of living with greater well-being.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
1. Is it possible to control our thoughts?
Not entirely. Many thoughts are automatic and arise without conscious control.
2. Why do unwanted thoughts become stronger when I try to avoid them?
Because thought avoidance often produces a paradoxical effect that increases their presence.
3. Are thoughts always real or true?
No. Thoughts are forms of language and do not always represent reality or facts.
4. What happens if I constantly avoid uncomfortable thoughts or emotions?
This can lead to experiential avoidance, limiting daily functioning and increasing distress.
5. When should professional help be considered?
When distress is persistent, interferes with daily life, or causes significant suffering.
About the author
Laura Redondo Fidalgo is a Clinical Psychologist and Neuropsychologist at Sinews. She works with a wide range of issues, including anxiety, depression, grief, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationship problems, among others. Her approach is cognitive-behavioral, but she also incorporates tools and techniques from other modalities, such as Third Generation Therapies, adapting to the specific needs of each patient, thanks to her continuous training.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Children, adolescents and adults
Languages: English and Spanish
How do I tell my child that they have lost someone?
To begin this article, the first point I would like to emphasize is that children DO experience grief processes. Just like any other human being, when they face a loss, they need to process it, make space for it, and adjust to a new reality. Some of the most common reasons a child might undergo a grieving process include the divorce of parents, the death of loved ones, the loss of pets, losing special possessions, or losing friends due to moving.
However, there are many myths surrounding the grieving processes in children and adolescents.
Myths Associated with Grieving Processes in Children and Adolescents:
- Children do not realize what is happening after a loss.
- Children and adolescents do NOT go through grief processes.
- Adults should hide their feelings; if they conceal their pain, children will be happier.
- They cannot understand and comprehend the social rituals associated with loss, so it’s better they don’t attend them.
- We should not be sad because then the deceased person will be sadder.
Once it is clarified that children go through grieving situations, it is important to note that children easily become aware of death. The concept of death has four characteristics:
- Irreversibility: The person who has died will not come back to life.
- Universality: All living beings die at some point.
- Non-functionality: The body stops functioning; all vital functions cease.
- Causality: There is a cause; death has an explanation and is a physical reason.
Depending on their developmental ages, children associate more or fewer characteristics with the concept of death. This is an aspect that should be considered when conveying information about the loss.
What Concept of Death Does My Child Have According to Their Age?
- Ages 0 to 2 years: They perceive death as absence. It is equivalent to leaving or abandonment. At this vital stage, they are very sensitive to the negative emotional states of their caregivers.
- Ages 3 to 6 years: They consider death to be temporary and reversible. This age is characterized by a strong presence of magical thinking. Additionally, they interpret any explanation literally, so it would be advisable to avoid metaphors such as "they have gone up" or "they left."
- Ages 6 to 9 years: At this age, they acquire the concept of irreversibility; they know that death is definitive and affects all living beings. However, they still do not grasp the concept of their own death.
- Ages 9 to 12 years: They understand that death is irreversible and universal. They also become aware of their own mortality. At this stage, it is expected that the fear of losing close loved ones will increase.
Therefore, it can be inferred that overprotecting children may not be the best help. Obviously, in most cases, adults make decisions regarding minors with their best interests in mind, with good intentions. However, although it may seem counterintuitive, hiding death can be worse. When children lack information, they fantasize, often leading them to imagine the worst possible situations or an incorrect reality. Additionally, when we don’t discuss the topic with them, we do not allow for emotional expression. Conversely, if we convey this information following a series of guidelines and using age-appropriate words, we will help ensure that the grieving process is healthy.
How Can Loss Affect Children?
Emotional Manifestations:
- Sadness and isolation
- Anxiety, irritability, and aggression
- Decreased self-esteem
- Regressive behaviors
- Difficulty in attention and concentration
- Hyperactivity
- Guilt
- Disbelief
Somatic Manifestations:
- Loss of appetite
- Insomnia
- Gastric or abdominal discomfort
- Exhaustion
- Shortness of breath
- Headaches
It is important to note that these symptoms, after consulting with a professional, cannot be explained by any other cause.
Social and/or School Manifestations:
- Social isolation
- School maladjustment
- Decreased academic performance
- Rejection of school
It is essential to point out that if these symptoms significantly impact the child’s life, it is advisable to seek professional help.
What Does My Child Need from Me Right Now?
In general, what children need from adults when facing a grieving process is:
- To use simple language appropriate for their age
- Not to overwhelm them with too many words
- Intuition to know when they are ready to talk
- An open mindset
- To listen and accept their feelings
- To be consistent; we as adults are also sad about the situation.
- Never to lie
What Can I Do According to My Child's Age to Facilitate Understanding of Death?
Children Aged 0-2 Years:
In this developmental stage, it would be very helpful to maintain the routines that were in place before the loss of the loved one. Additionally, anticipating death and ensuring their health and care would also help. Conversely, if routines are disrupted, with abrupt and rapid changes, or if new caregivers who are not well-known are introduced, these could hinder the child’s adjustment to the new situation.
One should be alert if there are significant weight losses, if the child cannot be comforted, or if sleep patterns do not recover.
Children Aged 3-6 Years:
At these ages, it is recommended to use clear and adapted language, to reassure them about the possibility of other deaths, and to help them understand post-mortem insensitivity. Nature examples or those they already know can also be used to aid their comprehension. On the other hand, metaphors such as «they are in a better place,» «they always watch us and take care of us,» or «they sleep eternally» should be avoided. We must remember that at this stage, there is a very literal understanding of language, so they will interpret it as we explain it. Additionally, complex explanations should also be avoided.
One should be alert if there is significant separation anxiety, recurrent nightmares, refusal to eat, lack of interest in play, or debilitating fears.
Children Aged 6-10 Years:
When children are in this age range, it is advisable for adults to explain things to them and allow them to participate in rituals. Adults should answer their questions and curiosities, provide an environment that allows emotional expression, and help them understand the dimensions of death. If the loss is expected, it is a good age to prepare them in advance. Additionally, between ages 9 and 10, it would be wise to consider their opinions.
Conversely, it is important to avoid not clarifying their imagined theories, not explaining what rituals are or what they will encounter, and withholding details about the death.
When discussing the details of the death, always ensure that all data and information is adapted to the children’s age.
One should be alert if high anxiety, depression, an inability to separate from attachment figures for fear of their death, or performance issues are observed.
Children Aged 10-13 Years:
Behaviors that facilitate the grieving process at these ages include teaching them to value memories, sharing adult experiences with them, normalizing what they feel, requesting their help in farewell rituals, and sharing feelings and emotions. Conversely, behaviors that could hinder grieving processes would be overwhelming them with too many questions, not respecting their privacy, and using phrases that hinder emotional expression, such as «Don’t feel sad.»
During these ages, it is essential to be alert for signs of extreme sadness, excessive responsibility, isolation, insensitivity, somatization, or inability to readjust to school.
Adolescents:
At this developmental stage, allowing them to feel like active participants in the process, valuing their opinions, avoiding messages of strength or responsibility, and attempting to minimize changes are actions adults can take to facilitate the process. On the contrary, overloading them with adult responsibilities, delaying communication of the news, not allowing them to participate in events, prioritizing others, or bombarding them with too many personal examples are behaviors that could hinder the grieving process.
In this case, the signs to watch for include increased substance use, extreme isolation, recurrent thoughts about death, extreme irritability, persistent mood swings, blaming the person who communicated the news for the death, separation anxiety, obsessive or somatic disorders, depressive symptoms, and suicidal ideation or planning.
Finally, it is important to emphasize that the unique characteristics of each culture, the child’s personality, and each family’s beliefs should also be taken into account. This article provides a guide to the most common manifestations, but this does not imply that others cannot exist. For this reason, in cases of doubt, it is advisable to consult a professional.
In summary, it is essential to recognize that children and adolescents go through grief processes when facing a loss. Therefore, it is crucial to understand how we can better manage these situations. The goal is not to overprotect, but to be consistent, empathetic, and honest, communicating information in a simple manner appropriate for the child’s age. Ultimately, grief is a natural and expected process following a loss; not all grief needs to be pathological. However, if any warning signs are observed or if it interferes with the child’s life, do not hesitate to consult a professional.
About the author
Laura Redondo Fidalgo is a Clinical Psychologist and Neuropsychologist at Sinews. She works with a wide range of issues, including anxiety, depression, grief, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationship problems, among others. Her approach is cognitive-behavioral, but she also incorporates tools and techniques from other modalities, such as Third Generation Therapies, adapting to the specific needs of each patient, thanks to her continuous training.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Children, adolescents and adults
Languages: English and Spanish
Miscarriage and Perinatal Grief: You Are Not Alone
Grief is defined as the emotional response to the significant loss of something or someone important in your life. It is the process a person undergoes to overcome and adapt to such a loss. There are many types of grief, among which we find disenfranchised grief. This type of grief occurs when society does not recognize the loss of a third party or does not allow the bereaved to express it. It seems unbelievable, doesn’t it? In what situations do you think this type of grief could occur?
One of the experiences in which this occurs is in perinatal grief. Perinatal loss is defined as the loss of a baby by a pregnant person from the time pregnancy is known until the first month of the baby’s life. One of the most common causes of perinatal loss is miscarriage. Miscarriage is defined as the premature loss of the baby during the first 23 weeks of pregnancy. Within miscarriage, there is (1) early miscarriage, which occurs from conception to the thirteenth week of pregnancy, and (2) late miscarriage, which occurs from the fourteenth week to the twenty-third week.
According to statistics, it is estimated that the risk of miscarriage in pregnant people is 25%. It is even believed that this percentage could be higher, as many losses occur before the person is aware of their pregnancy. Twenty-five percent means that 1 in 4 pregnant individuals will lose their baby spontaneously. That is, if you have a group of 10 people and they all become pregnant, it is most likely that at least 2 will lose their baby. Shocking, isn’t it?
The Dreaded Phrase “Me Too”
Miscarriage is a taboo subject; many people have experienced it but have not communicated their loss. It is only when someone brings up the topic that many others are encouraged to talk about it. But why is something so painful taboo? There are several reasons why this happens:
- Miscarriage Grief is Not Socially Accepted: The person’s circle expects less suffering.
- No Funeral Rituals: This creates the feeling that the loss should not be mourned.
- The First Trimester Rule: Pregnant individuals often wait until the third month of gestation to announce their pregnancy. Thus, when miscarriages occur during this period, the environment is unaware, making them feel more alone, isolated, and unsupported.
- Medical Desensitization: Since it is not a life-threatening situation nor one with a solution.
- Lack of Understanding: As explained by the Theory of Ambiguity, is one of the most influential factors in the grief process.
- Dissatisfaction with Treatment and Lack of Preparedness: By healthcare professionals to address the issue.
The Consequences of Miscarriage
It is not difficult to put oneself in the shoes of someone who has had to live through this experience. The loss of an expected baby can be considered a traumatic event, becoming one of the most painful life experiences for parents. Therefore, the psychological consequences are many and varied:
- Anxiety symptoms
- Depressive symptoms
- Post-traumatic stress
- Intense emotions of grief, guilt, anger, and shame
- Isolation
- Stigmatization
- The feeling of “empty arms”
- Natural grief processes
- Complicated grief processes
Expected Grief
Grief is a necessary process to go through to integrate our losses. According to theorists like Worden, there are several tasks you need to accomplish in the face of a loss:
- Accept the reality
- Work through the emotions and experience the pain
- Adapt to a world without the loved one
- Reposition and remember the loved one
The emotions we go through during grief are not comfortable, but that doesn’t mean they are negative or unnecessary. On the contrary, no matter how much we want to «get rid of them,» they will help us heal. Therefore, experiencing them does not imply a problem. However, in some cases, the experience can become complicated, and it is advisable to seek professional help.
How Can I Identify If I Am Experiencing Complicated Grief?
According to the ICD-11, the following criteria may indicate that you are experiencing prolonged grief:
- Separation distress: longing for the lost person and/or intense feelings of emotional pain, sorrow, or distress present daily and intensely.
- Confusion about one’s role in life or a diminished sense of self.
- Difficulty accepting the loss.
- Avoidance of reminders of the reality of the loss.
- Inability to trust others since the loss.
- Bitterness or anger related to the loss.
- Difficulty moving on with life (e.g., making new friends and pursuing interests).
- Emotional numbness since the loss.
- Feeling that life is unfulfilling, empty, or meaningless since the loss.
- Feeling stunned, dazed, or shocked by the loss.
When these symptoms appear and (1) at least six months have passed since the loss and (2) the mentioned symptoms are clinically and significantly disrupting the person’s daily life, both socially and occupationally, it is recommended to seek professional help.
Therapy Can Help
Whether experiencing expected or complicated grief, therapy is a place of validation and psychological support. Moreover, having gone through an experience that remains a taboo topic in society, therapy provides a space that acknowledges this social reality.
Although grief is a natural reaction, it is an idiosyncratic phenomenon and should be considered with the personal and contextual characteristics of each individual. Therapeutic approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy could help navigate these processes.
Finally, I would like to emphasize that perinatal grief due to miscarriage is a profoundly painful experience that deserves to be recognized and validated both personally and socially. Despite being a taboo subject, it is essential to know that you are not alone in your pain and that you have the right to express your emotions and receive support. The lack of recognition and social prejudice can intensify your suffering, making it crucial to foster an environment of empathy and understanding. There is no need to go through this alone, pretending nothing happened; share it with someone you trust. And if it doesn’t go well, there will always be professionals who can offer you a safe space to process your loss. By acknowledging the validity of your grief, we can begin to break the silence and provide the necessary support to navigate this difficult experience.
About the author
Laura Redondo Fidalgo is a Clinical Psychologist and Neuropsychologist at Sinews. She works with a wide range of issues, including anxiety, depression, grief, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationship problems, among others. Her approach is cognitive-behavioral, but she also incorporates tools and techniques from other modalities, such as Third Generation Therapies, adapting to the specific needs of each patient, thanks to her continuous training.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Children, adolescents and adults
Languages: English and Spanish