Parent's Guide to understanding the Pokemon Go phenomenon
What is it about?
When the company Niantic Inc. developed “Pokemon Go”, absolutely no one could have imagined the consequences of the game. Since its launch on July 6, 2016, rivers of ink have flown, news related to the game has occupied plenty of hours of TV and everyone has the feeling that Pokemon (short term for Pocket Monsters) are almost everywhere. These virtual creatures have unique characteristics that define them and make them so coveted by players around the world. They have unique skills, but also weaknesses, so it is best to fully know each one of the 18 different species of Pokemon. For example, water Pokemon species are very effective against fire type Pokemon, but instead are weak against the electricity type. On July 15 the game became available on the smartphones of Spanish users. It is an augmented reality game, which means that it uses GPS and Google Maps to know the player’s real position at all times. Since then, it is easy to see groups of people swirling around the «Pokestops» landmarks of the city (such as statues or monuments) where players can get, always for free, the precious «Pokeballs», which are the only tool to capture these creatures.
The game’s success is that it is universal. On the one hand, it connects people in their thirties with their own childhood or adolescence, when, in the late 90s, they spent hours playing the original game. In this way, it awakens pleasant memories and helps a whole generation to step out of their usual routine and return back to a time without many responsibilities in their life. Moreover, children and adolescents who might not know anything about Pokemon have also gotten on the bandwagon. In addition, unlike other games aimed at a male or female audience, the game is not specifically gender relevant. The player profile will vary from the person who has never played any Pokemon game to the one who knows every detail about these virtual beings.
What’s the game about?
The dynamics of the game are simple and based on the premise with which the saga started back in 1996: collect all of the existing Pokemon. The first generation of creatures was composed of up to 151 Pokemon, which are the exact number that can be captured to date in Pokemon Go. Then the journey was virtual and the player, represented by a character who moved through an imaginary world, on foot or by bicycle, visiting villages, roads, forests and even caves with the sole aim of capturing all the Pokemon that he could.
Today, the purpose of the game is still the same, but the journey is real.
To achieve the goal of capturing every Pokemon, it is not enough for the player to stand still hoping that these creatures will approach him. The game forces the person to move and scroll through various corners. Hence, related with the player’s (called Pokemon Coach) experience level, different Pokemon will appear on the map. These can be then captured by the throwing of the aforementioned «Pokeballs». The gaming experience could end here, contrary to what happened on the previous version of the late 90s, where Pokemon fights were needed to further progress in the adventure. Thus, players who do not want to be limited to collecting Pokemon, can train their creatures and prepare them for the fighting which only takes place in the so-called «Pokemon Gyms». These are special places marked on the map where a Pokemon Coach can fight for its leadership. The mechanics of combat differ from the previous versions of the game, because instead of the classic turn-based combat, the player must control their Pokemon to attack the opponent and also to avoid the blows. The game, therefore, can be extended until the player wants, because, even if he has been able to capture the 151 available Pokemon (some of them, the so-called legendary, seem very difficult to catch, mainly because of its scarcity) you can always continue capturing Pokemon you already have, as getting repeated creatures will provide you with «Pokemon Candy» with which you can level your Pokemon up.
Reasons to let my children play
So far, there is no single recommendation regarding the use of video games, mainly due to the lack of robust studies and the disparate conclusions obtained from the existing ones.
An article published this year in the International Journal of Communication concludes that, compared to the use of social networks by students, those who devote the same time to play video games achieve better academic results in Mathematics and Science.
These results, like those of any investigation, should be interpreted cautiously and critically but can explain that the reasonable and sensible use of video games could enhance skills and strengthen existing mechanisms that have already been achieved in class.
Regarding Pokemon Go, psychologist Wei Marlynn from Harvard University published their scientific opinion on the game in the journal Psychology Today. The main argument used is the ability of the game to stimulate the release of dopamine, a brain neurotransmitter, in brain areas that have to do with reward and mood. Dopamine is related to motivation as an essential part of behaviour, assessment of reality, planning and social behavior.
- The main revolution is that it encourages young players to socialize in the real world in a time when more and more relationships are established virtually through social networks. The game can improve sociability of people who have difficulty engaging with others. This happens in mild cases, such as in children who are shyer than their peers or in extreme cases as in children with autism. The fact that many players gather around the «Pokestops» or «Gyms» or just walk on the street in search of more Pokemon helps them relate to each other and work together, since they share common goals.
This is not a game that confronts people, but on the contrary, enables meetings, some as massive as the one which gathered more than 3000 players in the Puerta del Sol in Madrid.
In addition, smaller children may need help from their parents, mainly when traveling to specific places to look for more Pokemon, so you can strengthen family ties by performing shared activities.
- The gaming experience requires the use of mechanisms and personal resources which can be used to combat disorders such as depression. The fact that the aim of the game is to continue looking for Pokemon, uses interest as an anchor for the person to focus on positive aspects, rather than withdraw into his own negative thoughts.
- In a world shocked by the rates of childhood obesity, the game requires that young people move, fighting, therefore, sedentary lifestyle. In addition, it is well known that physical exercise helps decrease stress, discomfort and depression. Being able to obtain new Pokemon, together with the physical exercise required to do so, enhance the feeling of comfort and wellbeing. The fact that the «Pokepstops» are emblematic buildings and monuments of the city also provides the player with knowledge of the place where he lives and fosters qualities such as attention, concentration, memory and a sense of belonging.
- The fact that the game uses augmented reality can enhance creativity because it stimulates imagination and symbolic play. In addition, the thorough knowledge of all Pokemon (151 in this game, more than 700 in total) recorded in the «Pokedex» (a sort of virtual encyclopedia of Pokemon that a coach has seen and captured), their names, skills and weaknesses, favors other capabilities such as those related to memory, interest and motivation.
Reasons to keep my children from playing
All of the reasons that arise to prevent your child from playing Pokemon Go have to do with the mechanics of the game, which involves the need of a mobile phone with GPS and to navigate the real world staring at a screen.
- Accidents of people who were playing Pokemon Go have been reported in the media. They often occur inadvertently, since the person is concentrated on the screen while searching for Pokemon and may be unable to assess the risk of everyday situations, for example, crossing the street. Sometimes accidents occur because of the lack of knowledge of the area, as the couple of Japanese tourists who entered the tunnel of La Rovira in Barcelona, prohibited to pedestrians. There is a warning made by the game neither to drive nor to enter private property, but in the end, it relies on the responsible use of each player.
- The state of stress and anxiety is maintained throughout the game experience because it forces the player to maintain a state of constant alert, waiting for these creatures to appear. If the duration of the game is extended, this maintained activation state can cause problems in the long term such as irritability, anxiety or insomnia.
- Some people may feel uncomfortable knowing that they are constantly located by GPS and Google services. In some countries, this system has been used to attract players to a certain area with bait (the promise of rare or exclusive Pokemon) and then steal their belongings.
- Increased dopamine, mentioned as a beneficial effect, also can end up generating long-term dependency. By reinforcing positive and pleasurably behaviour, in this case, playing, the brain wants to repeat it more and more. Therefore, there is a risk that the person ends up suffering a video game addiction.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Cuando el sexo es un problema
Según las estadísticas, los trastornos del comportamiento sexual conciernen a un notable porcentaje de la población de ambos sexos. Los problemas sexuales están muy a menudo en el origen de divorcios o sufrimientos dentro de una pareja o de una familia.
Ciertas condiciones de sufrimiento psíquico están acompañadas por algunas dificultades en la vida sexual, por lo que podría decirse que basta una leve anomalía en el funcionamiento psíquico para que el comportamiento sexual se resienta de ello. Por ejemplo, en la depresión el deseo sexual se reduce o está ausente; varios tipos de trastorno de base ansiosa o fóbica y numerosos trastornos obsesivos o compulsivos repercuten en la sexualidad trastornándola.
Los trastornos de la sexualidad son el resultado de una mala relación entre la voluntad y la prestación, entre el esfuerzo del control mental y la incapacidad de dejarse transportar por las sensaciones. La interferencia de la voluntad con la espontaneidad es siempre deletérea: en el campo sexual, muchos trastornos se derivan de los intentos que hace la persona para experimentar sensaciones que, de manera misteriosa, escapan precisamente porque se las persigue.
Para resolver esta tipología de trastornos, la intervención terapéutica debería enfocarse en desbloquear, en el menor tiempo posible y en la manera más eficaz, los contrastes entre mente y naturaleza, reconduciendo la sexualidad a su completa naturalidad.
En efecto, los problemas de ese tipo se forman por la interferencia de la voluntad o de la racionalidad en comportamientos y funciones, como los sexuales, no controlados por estos parámetros. Sin embargo, el sexo, como la alimentación, la respiración y otros comportamientos, yace en el interregno entre la voluntad y la espontaneidad, y en esto reside su intrínseca debilidad y su susceptibilidad en originar problemas.
No sorprende, pues, que a menudo el intento de disciplinar el propio comportamiento sexual no dé buen resultado y se creen situaciones susceptibles de evolucionar como:
Ansiedad de prestación:
La persona aunque deseosa y motivada para tener una relación sexual con su pareja, si es un hombre, no consigue tener una erección satisfactoria, si se trata de una mujer, no consigue mantener la excitación sexual.
Trastorno del deseo sexual:
La persona nunca ha experimentado nada durante las relaciones sexuales. Persiste la incapacidad de experimentar ni tan siquiera la más mínima sensación de placer durante el acto sexual.
Anorgasmia:
Imposibilidad de experimentar el orgasmo.
Eyaculación precoz:
Recurrente eyaculación en respuesta a una estimulación mínima antes, durante o poco después de la penetración, y que ocurre antes de que la persona lo desee.
Coito doloroso:
Las relaciones sexuales se vuelven dolorosas a causa de un espasmo que implica la musculatura de la pelvis de la mujer.
Impotencia para tener relaciones sexuales:
La imposibilidad de efectuar una penetración en presencia, sin embargo, de erecciones normales (cuando no existe síntoma de una lesión orgánica o de una enfermedad física general). El hombre consigue tener erecciones y mantenerlas durante periodos prolongados, a condición de no efectuar la penetración.
Impotencia eréctil:
Cuando al hombre le resulta difícil obtener la erección y cuando el trastorno no se debe a causas orgánicas o por el consumo de sustancias.
Fobia al sexo:
Cuando la mujer sufre de una forma grave de impedimento a la penetración. La mujer desea tener relaciones sexuales, pero experimenta una ansiedad aguda e insoportable con la sola idea de la penetración.
El comportamiento sexual está fuertemente exigido por la naturaleza, por lo que es suficiente inhibir las soluciones intentadas que lo vuelven innatural para obtener la solución al caso clínico individual. En terapia nos apoyamos, por lo tanto, por así decirlo, en la fuerza misma de la sexualidad. Esto es posible solamente si se parte de la premisa que el problema no es el síntoma de algo escondido en el inconsciente, sino que se ha formado por comportamientos llevados a cabo racional y voluntariamente para intentar resolver un problema en principio pequeño.
El análisis de casos clínicos ya tratados pone de manifiesto que las modalidades llevadas a cabo por las personas que presentan trastornos de este tipo se pueden reconducir a dos categorías fundamentales: la búsqueda deliberada de sensaciones y/o reacciones que por naturaleza son espontáneas, o su evitación. El trabajo terapéutico se desarrolla justo a partir de esos intentos de solución que en el tiempo pueden comprometer seriamente la respuesta sexual.
«Nadie puede vivir sin placer». Santo Tomás
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Incorporating Therapeutic Writing into our lives
Have you ever wondered why adolescents start writing diaries, or why blogs are so popular? After writing about a problem, it seems less overwhelming and often, the solution to those problems become more obvious. It seems that writing about it is the answer. Even certain psychological therapies use writing as a tool to gather relevant information about the patient’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors in order to solve specific problems.
Humans have always needed to express their internal turmoil, problems and dilemmas in order to deal with them. Common to all streams of psychology is the need to avoid burying one’s problems or deny their existence as a coping mechanism or as a way to solve them.
When we do not address what bothers, worries or hurts us, when we do not speak about our problems, we cannot solve them. Problems that are repressed inside will eventually find their way out and impact our life and affect our well-being.
It is like energy that becomes trapped inside us and starts generating tension and altering the normal functioning of our body. Some theories declare that not talking is a way of inhibition and that this causes stress that increases the risk of developing illnesses or other disturbances. So it is very important to deal with, address and confront our problems if we want to overcome and solve them.
Writing can channel that closed energy, disperse the tension and henceforth reduce the stress.
Writing about our emotional experiences can be a powerful tool that can help us process our problems and feel better. Writing about emotional experiences seems to make us feel better physically and mentally. Studies have shown that writing can have a positive impact on general health measures ( such as fewer visits to the doctors, fewer somatic complaints and it can even have a positive influence on our immune system.) Writing about our emotional experiences can also have a positive impact on our behavior: students get better grades, unemployed people find new jobs faster and absenteeism at work is reduced.
But how is it that putting on paper something we already think can actually make us feel better and help us to process it?
When one starts writing, one goes from being a passive observer to an active participant.
The act of writing acknowledges the existence of a problem, issue or worry and our willingness to look at it and examine it. In a way, it demonstrates that we are open to discuss it with someone (whether it is with other people or with ourselves.) This is a way to confront it rather than ignoring it or avoiding it. It becomes a mechanism for psychological insight. And once it is outside, we can look at it and see it for what it really is: nothing more and nothing less. We gain distance from it and we then can approach it positively in many other different ways.
This is something that one does for oneself. Here the talker and the listener are the same person, there is no need to please anybody nor is there any fear of being judged by anyone. It is just the writer confronting his own thoughts and feelings. By writing, we are transforming thoughts that exist in our mind into words; we are translating experiences into language and by doing so, we can look at them in a different way and treat them differently. Our perspective about them changes. When we write about our emotions, we construct stories that explain why we feel the way we do. It gives meaning to confused emotions and ideas. It helps to gain insight into our emotional experiences and to find meaning in them. We discover things about ourselves and we relate to them differently.
Writing becomes therapeutic.
Writing gives the person control over his thoughts and emotions. It is the person who decides what to write and how to express it. This process gives the writer a different perspective. Rather than being inside the experience and overwhelmed by it, one becomes more of an observer, someone who is more detached and can process the experiences better. One learns to relate differently to the experiences. The problems pass from being inside you, to something that is outside, something that you can look at and transform. This minimizes the power and intensity they have over us.
Eventually, the person assimilates these experiences, understands them better and is more capable of processing them and moving on with his life.
Many times we feel ashamed or we are very judgmental about our own thoughts and emotions, and we prefer to keep them inside, hidden from the world. When we write about them, there is no judgment, and there is no audience but ourselves. There is no need to write well, there are no rules on how things should be written and therefore it becomes easier to write. We write in our own style, with our own words. We can be creative and combine words with drawings, prose or poetry. There is no need to please anyone nor is there any fear of upsetting others. It is safe.
Writing is universal and everyone can benefit from it regardless of age, sex, culture, language or education.
How is this done?
Since anybody can write in his own private and particular way, it is a tool that allows many different possibilities. Nevertheless, there are a few guidelines that seem to help when we are dealing with strong emotional issues.
There is no need to worry about grammar, sentence structure or spelling when we write. What is important here is the process of writing rather than what gets produced. It is the act of writing that matters although, we can always decide at a later stage to edit this writing if we want to share it with other people. It is good to set some boundaries or limits to our writing. These limits can be physical; we can use paper or a computer; we might decide on a place where we can write safely and without getting disturbed and a time of the day and a length of time that will allow for our inner thoughts and emotions to emerge without becoming overwhelming for us.
The more frequently you write, the better but if you only do it occasionally it also helps.
There should be no censoring or criticism about what gets written but it is important to take one step at a time and maybe not start with your deepest and most troublesome thoughts at first. Writing is a skill that needs to be developed and practised if we want to learn to use it well and effectively.
Writing can adopt many forms such as lists of things that trouble us, letters that we write to people (whether we actually send them or not), a dialogue with ourselves, or a description of our inner feelings and thoughts. All forms are valid as long as we allow these inner experiences to emerge and become visible and observable by us.
Therapeutic writing can be used by people on their own, or as part of psychological individual or group therapy.
It is a powerful tool that helps us connect with our deepest thoughts and feelings. It adopts many forms and has many different uses and if we learn to use it well, it can transform our lives and liberate us from our own internal troubles.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Three scientifically-proven ways to boost your willpower
Scientists have found that willpower is like a muscle. The good news is that you can actually train your willpower and make it become stronger. The downside is that it gets tired when we use it for extended periods of time. That’s why surfing the internet or Facebook becomes even more “irresistible” at the end of a long day, food choices get worse as our willpower muscle weakens and it even explains why dieters are more likely to cheat on their partners.
We need willpower for every conscious choice that involves overriding an immediate inner impulse for some rational reason. This involves resisting the urge to pick up a chocolate bar at the store checkout, keeping our calm when our kids whine (once again) for yet another reason or sitting through a seemingly endless conference call. How can we train our willpower muscles and recharge them after exhaustion? Here are three main tricks found by science that you can put into practice right away.
- The first one is to plan and pre-commit to our responses to moments of temptation. Say you are trying to give up buying the aforementioned check-out chocolate bar. The idea is to anticipate the moments when it will be most difficult to keep up your resolution and map out your intended action upfront. So first, be specific about when exactly you are most likely to give in. Is there a specific place? A specific time of the day? Is it when you feel a certain way? Feeling down, stressed or angry, being tired or hungry are the usual suspects. Make a list of all the situations in which you typically give in to the temptation that you want to resist. Then, write down specifically what you want to do instead of this. This is called an Implementation Intention and has been proven by researchers to increase your likelihood of willpower success. Good implementation intentions are positively-stated, clear, short descriptions of what you are going to do and they provide an insight of what is to be avoided (like keep looking at the stacks of “treats” laid out for you). “When I get to the checkout, I will put my groceries on the counter and get my purse ready to pay. I will focus on the person attending me and keep my eyes on the action taking place. If there is a line I can drink some water, calculate what I will have to pay, talk to someone or get on my phone to answer some messages.” This type of statements can be referred to as your “I-will-power” and help you to follow through, even when things get tough.
- Don’t think in terms of good and bad, remember your goal instead. There is a huge dilemma in reinforcing ourselves for what we label as “good” behaviour. It has been shown that when we make ourselves feel “virtuous” because of the “goodness” we have demonstrated, we are more likely to give in in the near future: “I’ve been so good, now I deserve a treat”. Researchers have called this the “moral licensing” effect. The problem is that we have observed this fact, but misunderstood the solution. Now, many people believe that they should rather not trust nor reward themselves for any progress and then become overly critical or make themselves feel guilty if they “misbehave”. But here’s the issue: feeling bad just gives us another reason to, yes, you’ve guessed it, give in to our willpower challenges. The trick consists in avoiding labelling our behaviour as good and bad altogether. If you want to stop yelling at your kids, you have a clear long-term goal which is educating your kids with love and compassion. That’s your vision, that’s what you want. In her book “The Willpower Instinct” Kelly McGonigal calls this type of willpower “I-want-power”. Reminding yourself of your long-term goal boosts willpower in the moment, especially if you reframe your progress as a sign of your commitment to reach your goal. It’s not about being good or bad, it’s about being (and feeling!) committed to your long-term goal. Think about all those times you have managed to resist the urge to yell. Think about everything you have already learned about yourself and your kids that helps you today to yell less. Think about how this shows your commitment to your kids and your goal of scream-free parenting. You know it’s hard, and you don’t always succeed, but your acts are based on a clear intention. You really want to be a great parent and are making an effort to achieve it. You’re on your path. Good reinforcement makes you feel good about yourself, indicates the way forward, and leaves some flexible room for improvement and compassion- especially with yourself.
- Breathe slower. Willpower being like a muscle leads to the fact that there are actually physical measures like heart rate variability that can indicate a low level of willpower in the moment. This discovery had led researchers to develop a strategy that can help us to physically restore our willpower reserve when we feel drained. It has been shown that breathing at a rate of 4 of 6 breathing cycles (inhale-exhale-pause) per minute restores heart rate variability and therefore our capacity to make willpower-based decisions. So let’s look at our meeting scenario. Imagine you have been sitting there for an hour listening to a never ending stream of seemingly irrelevant facts and figures. You are ready to leave, yearning to interrupt and even tempted to just scream out loud. But you won’t do that (a question of “I-won’t-power” following Kelly McGonigal’s classification). So what you can do instead is practice a type of breathing that prolongs the exhale and includes a small pause after each exhalation. It’s not like deep breathing, but rather an deep exhaling. There is a relaxing quality to the exhale that can help us slow down our breathing rate and by that, boost our willpower muscle, even in tense situations. It’s not a quick fix, as you need to train yourself to be able to do it in the really important scenarios. Also, it will take a couple of minutes to calm down your probably shallow or agitated breathing. But after a while the physical effects kick in. 5 minutes are probably enough to calm you down to 4 to 6 breaths a minute. And here you can stay for as long as the meeting goes.
Not sure, which of these tricks does seem to be most in line with your personal willpower challenges? Just use them all. Take a moment now to write down your implementation intention. Get clear about the end goal you are working towards. Resolve to slow down your breathing the next time a particular temptation hits. All of them together make a great cocktail of willpower vitamins that will help you move forward on your chosen path in those crucial little moments of choice that make the difference between moving forward or giving in.
Still struggling with willpower issues? Not really sure what’s the best approach in your specific case? We’re here for you. Coaching and Positive Psychology have come up with many more scientifically proven interventions to help you achieve your goals and increase your wellbeing.
This article is based on the books “The Willpower Instinct” by Kelly McGonigal and “Willpower” by Baumeister and Tiery. And if you’re interested in Scream-Free Parenting, pick up the book by the same name, written by Hal Runkel.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Stop Walking on Eggshells
“Stop Walking on Eggshells”. Paul T. Mason, MS. and to Randi Kreger
Two authors go on a quest to help the readers better understand the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, while enlightening non-diagnosed family members and friends on how to take some control over their lives and improve the relationships with their diagnosed loved ones.
The world of psychology is an enormously wide one. Within it, there are a considerable amount of trains of though and approaches. Their purpose: a better understanding of the emotional and intellectual functioning of human beings.
Some of the ideas that have emerged throughout history, have later evolved into renowned theories, paradigms or schools, that have developed their own method of both conceptualizing and approaching a problem. Cognitive-behavioral therapy for example, aims at understanding the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviours and sustains that by targeting one of the three aspects, the other two can and will undergo changes and modifications, all with the purpose of alleviating a person’s distress or reducing negative behaviors towards themselves or others.
Systemic or family therapy rests its foundation in the concept that an individual is him/her and the context she functions in. This means that a person and the problem they face cannot be isolated from a social conceptualization, because humans exist in a continuum of interpersonal relations, and these relations are the focus when understanding and addressing a problem. We could go on for quite a while, exploring more theories, but that would divert us from the objective of this brief post.
Psychological theories or schools differ in their origins, postulates and work approaches. They also differ on the idea of whether or not “labelling” or diagnosing a person (with a disorder that has been given a name and a series of diagnostic criteria) has positive or negative influences, not only on the person that receives it but also on their family and social context.
Some people find relief in a diagnosis: they can finally name and understand what is happening to them, and they come to learn that they are not the only ones who struggle with their condition: be it a communication, eating, personality or trauma and/or stressor related disorder, among others. Other patients and clinicians, on the other hand, find that using a label or diagnosis is quite the opposite of helpful, and that the person linked to it, often feels that his or her identity is mainly constructed and understood around the condition, preventing others from seeing their strengths and healthy aspects.
After this overly-extended introduction, we can come to focus on one of those “labels”: A diagnosis that affects almost 2% of the general population, although some authors have found in their research an even higher prevalence of the disorder, affecting more women than men: Borderline Personality Disorder.
Oftentimes, we come to find the behaviors or emotional responses of a loved one-be it a friend, family member, life partner, etc- as strange, overwhelming, guilt-inducing, completely narrow (black or white constructions) or as extremely rapidly-shifting. A lot of people can fit into the ambiguous description just addressed a few lines above. However, when a person exhibits: a continuous sense of emptiness, accompanied by deep fears of abandonment, lack of self-regulatory skills when it comes to handling emotions, alternates between idealizing and devaluating the same person, acts impulsively in ways that can be harmful to themselves, exhibits a very unstable sense of self and incurs in self harming behaviors or threatens or attempts suicide, we could be in the presence of a person struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder.
The person facing the diagnosis has a big battle to fight: Therapy (which will include intense personal awareness and work) and sometimes medication are needed to understand the disorder and make the necessary modifications and acceptances, in order to live. However, friends or family members of someone who has such diagnosis, can come to be inevitably placed in a state and/or situation that they have not chosen but need to face, nonetheless. “Stop walking on eggshells” is a book that can easily take the shape of light to use while walking through a tunnel. It offers concrete help for those people who have the diagnosis in their life, in the form of a condition that affects someone they love. They are not the ones who have been given the diagnosis, but that does not mean that it doesn´t affect them as well.
The authors of the book have chosen the option of diagnosis, as a means to understand the struggle a person with Borderline Personality Disorder undergoes each day. Also, as a way to help change unhealthy relational patterns and give some control to those who find themselves tangled in the web of the diagnosis, but do not wish to cut out from their lives the person that faces the condition. A big thanks are owed to Paul T. Mason, MS. and to Randi Kreger (the authors), who not only use the diagnosis in order to offer a better comprehension of the condition but also take the necessary pages to examine in detail each of the diagnostic criteria proposed by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
If you read the book, you will begin the process of understanding why a person with the diagnosis acts the way they act, and you will be able to start the slow process of separating them from the disorder, without diminishing the responsibility for their actions in the process. The words in the title ”Walking on Eggshells” very well describe what existence feels like for a lot of spouses, family members or friends.
They do not know where they stand: They are afraid to say or do the wrong thing, not knowing which of their actions will result in a temper outburst, a major withdrawal from their loved one or an unexpected idealization (and almost heroic perception), with the following opposite demonization, that no one knows when will come.
The dance to be learned is a delicate one, and boundaries play a very big part in it. Individuals that face the diagnosis have a very hard time with boundaries in general. One of the best ways in which a non-borderline-personality-disorder-diagnosed person can help their loved one is by constructing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Since they are a source of conflict, oftentimes they are not proposed, but they are certainly one of the key ingredients in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with the disorder.
The book also comes with a workbook that suggests exercises that prove very useful to both conceptualize and practice new ways of relating to a diagnosed loved one.
Underestimating the emotional pain and fear that a person with Borderline Personality Disorder experiences is a common trap people fall into. The first step is to empathize as much as you can with the person who has been diagnosed :The book will help you; once true understanding has taken place, there is a serious second step to consider: it involves asking oneself hard questions such as, what choices have I made in the past?, are they the best ones for me right now?, do I need to feel needed?, what rights do I feel I have?, what do I feel that I can ask of others?, What am I responsible for in a given relationship? These questions will help acknowledge the responsibility we have towards ourselves in any given interaction and therefore help on the path towards assertiveness.
If you choose to read the book, know that a good amount of reflection and self-criticism will be inevitably involved. But that is precisely how we can become essential blocks in the construction of healthier realities, both for ourselves and for those we love. We, as the authors, can choose to use a diagnosis for the better.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Children, adolescents and adults
Languages: English and Spanish
Eating Disorders: More Than Just Problems with Food and Weight
Why won’t she just eat?
Why does he spend hours at the gym instead of with his friends?
Doesn’t she realize that she’s already too skinny?
These are examples of some of the comments I hear from family members and friends who have a loved one that’s struggling with an eating disorder. Treatment from these disorders is typically a long process and to those on the outside, it can often appear as though the patient is not improving at all.
However, this misunderstanding often is due to the flawed, yet all too common assumption held by many when it comes to these illnesses:
They are NOT just about food and weight.
In order to help parents better understand what their child is going through when faced with frustration towards the recovery process, I often draw for them the following picture:
In order for them to adopt a more empathetic attitude towards their son or daughter’s recovery it’s essential for them to understand that not eating, eating too much, exercising in secret, taking laxatives and other behaviors seen in patients with eating disorders, are just the tip of the iceberg and are ways for their child to cope with the larger issues that are looming under the surface and which they are hopefully working with a therapist to address.
This vision of eating disorders isn’t always readily accepted by parents, and rightfully so as it involves a paradigm shift, as well as acceptance that the problem is larger than they may have initially imagined. However, in the long run, it’s a metaphor that allows them to have more patience in the recovery process, knowing that the problem is more than what meets the eye. And it also provides them with a way to relate to what their child is going through. While they themselves may not have problems with food or their weight, they most likely have struggled with at least one of the issues that are lurking below the surface, such as a desire to belong or a need to feel in control.
It’s true that restoring patients to a healthy weight, minimizing binge-purge cycles and ensuring adequate nutrition are all priorities in the treatment of eating disorders, given that these aspects of the disorder can lead to serious health consequences and interfere with the success of other aspects of treatment, such as those offered by psychological and pharmaceutical interventions.
However, any treatment that fails to address aspects beyond weight and shape will ultimately fall short.
I’ve had numerous patients come to see me for issues that at first hand appear completely unrelated to an eating disorder. Yet, when they mention having struggled with bulimia or anorexia in the past, I often wind up drawing the same iceberg image for them as well.
While they’ve been able to get back to a more normal weight, are no longer throwing up, go to the gym less, don’t obsess over weighing themselves and no longer count calories, I explain to them that they’ve really only chipped away at the tip of the iceberg. They may no longer warrant a diagnosis of an eating disorder, but many of the factors that led them to develop an eating disorder, and served as maintenance factors, are still there, lurking under the water, waiting to be worked through. These may be difficulties with regulating their emotions, their perfectionism, low self esteem, unaddressed history of past abuse, unmanaged anxiety, etc. And more often than not, a new tip of the iceberg has developed, which is usually what brings them to therapy at that moment. These could be problems ranging from procrastination to addiction, panic attacks, insomnia, & depression.
If someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, I encourage you to keep in mind this iceberg metaphor to better understand the complexity of the struggle they’re currently facing, one that all too often gets summed up as a mere problem with food and weight.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Aprendizaje y lenguaje en verano
En verano todo el mundo se merece un descanso, también los niños, que después de un curso escolar intenso con deberes y exámenes lo que no quieren son más tareas para los meses de verano.
Por eso la cuestión que se plantean muchos padres es la de qué hacer para que los niños repasen algo de lo aprendido en el cole sin que se aburran o tengan que sentarse a diario a hacer deberes.
Se pueden emplear diversas estrategias para fomentar el aprendizaje y ayudarles a continuar desarrollando sus habilidades lingüísticas en estos meses, teniendo en cuenta los intereses del niño y sus preferencias. Una opción es la de apuntarles a cursos o talleres de verano, lugares donde pueden seguir aprendiendo, idiomas por ejemplo, mientras se divierten e interactúan con otros niños de su edad.
Otra opción son los cuadernillos de repaso de temas variados que a menudo presentan ejercicios divertidos para niños a la vez que incluyen una revisión de conceptos vistos durante el curso escolar. Es recomendable involucrar al niño en la elección del cuadernillo y presentarlo como algo divertido que puede hacer algunos días de la semana y no como deberes que tiene que hacer de forma obligada.
En cuanto a desarrollar el lenguaje de forma lúdica hay numerosos juegos que se pueden realizar. No es necesario dedicarles muchas horas al día, puede ser suficiente con unos minutos de juego diario o como entretenimiento durante un viaje por ejemplo.
Para estimular el lenguaje oral, podemos pedirles que nos cuenten situaciones, una película que hayan visto o un cuento, inventar historias o describir imágenes, siempre escuchándoles atentamente, ayudándoles a incrementar su vocabulario y modelando el uso de las estructuras gramaticales.
Se puede incidir también en la conciencia fonológica, que es el conocimiento sobre las unidades que componen el lenguaje y es un componente esencial en el desarrollo del lenguaje tanto oral como escrito:
- Jugar a decir palabras que empiecen por un sonido dado.
- Dividir las palabras en sílabas dando una palmada por sílaba.
- Añadir una sílaba o un sonido al inicio o al final de una palabra.
- Quitar una sílaba o un sonido al inicio o al final de una palabra.
- Deletrear palabras.
- Dar una palabra y decir palabras que rimen con ella.
- Juegos: “Veo veo” y palabras encadenadas.
Por otro lado, la memoria auditiva está relacionada con la capacidad de retener unidades lingüísticas y también es relevante tanto en el lenguaje oral como escrito.
- Jugar a repetir letras, números, palabras, frases, aprender canciones, rimas, trabalenguas, etc.
- Juego “Fui al mercado y compré …” Por turnos ir añadiendo alimentos, repitiéndolos desde el principio. Se pueden hacer muchas variantes de este juego, “Fui al zoo y vi…” o “Fui de viaje y metí en la maleta…”, etc.
En el área de lenguaje escrito, leer con los niños un poco todos los días es esencial, ya sea cuentos, tebeos, poesías o noticias, ya que mejora las habilidades de atención conjunta, ayuda a aprender vocabulario y a desarrollar su imaginación, entre otras muchas cosas. Es recomendable implicarles en la elección de las lecturas, ya que estarán mucho más motivados si han podido elegir lo que van a leer. Los niños disfrutarán de ese momento especial con sus padres.
Los juegos de mesa son una manera excelente de desarrollar el lenguaje oral y escrito, así como otras habilidades cognitivas. Juegos que contengan preguntas, retos o adivinanzas pueden proporcionar un momento de diversión para toda la familia.
También se puede fomentar la escritura mediante pasatiempos, juegos como “El ahorcado”, pedirles que ayuden escribiendo la lista de la compra o una lista de cosas que hay que llevar de viaje. Implicarles en este tipo de tareas cotidianas también les ayuda a desarrollar la autoestima y la autonomía. El ordenador puede ser una buena herramienta para crear estas listas o sus propios cuentos e incluso para jugar a juegos educativos on-line apropiados para su edad.
Estas son solo algunas ideas, pero hay muchas más actividades que se pueden realizar, es cuestión de usar la imaginación y sobre todo dedicar un tiempo a pasarlo bien con los niños. Por último, mencionar que estas actividades no tienen por qué ser sólo para el verano, también se pueden hacer durante el curso escolar con el fin de ayudar a los niños a desarrollar sus habilidades lingüísticas.
¡Feliz verano a todos!
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Mi hijo..¿Tartamudea?
What is stuttering?
La tartamudez es un trastorno de la fluidez del habla que se caracteriza por interrupciones en la produccion de los enunciados. La mayoría de las personas producen breves disritmias de vez en cuando, por ejemplo al repetir algunas palabras al hablar o el típico “mmmm”, “eeeehh”. Las disritmias no constituyen necesariamente un problema; sin embargo, pueden dificultar la capacidad de comunicación si se producen muchas en el mismo enunciado.
La tartamudez o disfemia se inicia en la infancia, hacia los 2 años, cuando el niño comienza a usar expresiones de mas de una palabra. Sin embargo, no todas las conductas de repeticion a estas edades son un trastorno o evolucionan hacia uno.
¿Cuáles son algunos de los síntomas de la tartamudez? ¿Cuáles son disritmias “normales"?
Como se dijo al inicio, cuando los niños comienzan a combinar mas de una palabra en su discurso, empiezan las disfluencias. Estas no tienen porque derivar en una tartamudez patologica.
El niño normal con alteraciones de ritmo, ocasionalmente repite sílabas o palabras una o dos veces (co-co-como esto). Las disritmias pueden incluir titubeos, y empleo de “muletillas” como “eh,” “este,”“mm,” etc. Estas alteraciones del ritmo tienden a aparecer y desaparecer, sin seguir un pàtrón definido. Son generalmente signos de que el niño está aprendiendo a usar el lenguaje de maneras nuevas. Si las disritmias desaparecen por varias semanas y luego reaparecen, puede estar pasando por un estadio diferente de aprendizaje.
Cuando una persona que tartamudea habla, en su discurso podemos notar repeticiones de palabras o partes de las palabras más de dos veces (co-co-co-co-como esto), prolongaciones de los sonidos del habla, a veces parecen estar muy tensas al hablar (se nota sobre todo en los musculos de la cara y, mas concretamente, alrededor de los labios), pueden experimentar bloqueos en el discurso (este se manifiesta cuando la boca está abierta, como para hablar, pero a cambio no sale nada o solo un sonido). También pueden ocurrir interjecciones como «hum» o «este», el tono de la voz puede elevarse con las repeticiones.
Algunos ejemplos de tartamudez:
- «¿D- D- D- Dónde vas?» (Repetición parcial de la palabra).
- «¿SSSSabes qué?» (Prolongación del sonido)
- «Nos vemos – um um bueno este – alrededor de las seis.» (interjecciones).
Cuando la frecuencia de las repeticiones, prolongaciones, bloqueos, etc, va en aumento o cuando a estos signos se le suma tension muscular y conductas de esfuerzo al hablar o cuando el niño advierte la dificultad de habla, es recomendable consultar con algun especialista.
Los pediatras son un elemento clave en la prevención, dirigiendo a estos niños con riesgo a un especialista. No todos estos niños de riesgo desarrollan tartamudez, pero de ello depende una derivacion acertada.
El consejo de ‘esperar, porque con el tiempo se le pasará’ no se sostiene científicamente. Gracias a estudios de investigación se dispone de criterios para identificar, la tartamudez de los niños pequeños que se relaciona con la tartamudez crónica, lo que mejora notablemente el pronostico si se trata de manera precoz.
La actitud clásica de ‘esperar’, está cambiando por la de intervenir en edades tempranas.
Actualmente se empieza a afirmar que los niños con riesgo de llegar a ser tartamudos crónicos pueden y deben ser identificados y tratados lo antes posible para facilitar el desarrollo de la fluidez y eliminar factores de fijación, mantenimiento y cronificación del trastorno.
Cuando el trastorno persiste durante más de dos años a partir del inicio, se dice que se cronifica y se suele complicar con otros síntomas, como las conductas de evitación y actitudes negativas hacia la comunicación, lo que termina por perturbar, generalmente, el rendimiento social, académico y más tarde el laboral.
En la mayoría de los casos, las dificultades de comunicación aparecen en varias situaciones, y no solo en una: en el hogar, en el colegio o en el trabajo. Resulta claro que el impacto de la tartamudez en la vida diaria puede depender de la manera en que la persona y sus interlocutores reaccionen a este trastorno.
¿Como se si mi hijo es tartamudo?
Hemos hablado antes de algunos de los sintomas de la tartamudez, pero tambien hemos dicho que no siempre los bloqueos o repeticiones son “tartamudez”.
Aqui van algunos ejemplos que es mejor escuchar y prestar atención y, ante cualquier duda, consultar con un especialista. Si la frecuencia de las repeticiones o bloqueos supera el 10% del discurso. Esto es, si su hijo le esta contando lo que ha hecho en el cole hoy y al inicio de cada frase (o frase si, frase no) hay una repeticion de sonido, o si su lenguaje, se ve interrumpido en alguna ocasión (como si se quedara congelado aún sabiendo que falta mas por decir).
Cuando los relatos de su hijo inplican un esfuerzo considerable, donde es evidente que le cuesta, hay tension, o se pone rojo, o directamente se interrumpe dejando inconclusa la historia.
Cuando evita hablar en prolongado o cambia constantemente palabras, o realiza diversos sonidos antes de comenzar a hablar.
Cuando se observan disritmias en practicamente todas las situaciones de lenguaje.
¿Cómo se diagnostica la tartamudez?
Identificar la tartamudez puede parecer tarea fácil. Las disritmias son con frecuencia «obvias» e interrumpen el proceso de comunicación de la persona. El oyente por lo general puede detectar la tartamudez del hablante. Al mismo tiempo, sin embargo, la tartamudez puede afectar más que el habla observable de la persona, y estas caracteristicas no son tan fáciles de detectar para el oyente. Por lo tanto, para diagnosticar la tartamudez se precisa la valoración de un logopeda especializado.
Durante la evaluación, el logopeda observará el número y tipo de disritmias, la manera en que la persona reacciona a las disritmias, las destrezas en el lenguaje en general y, por ultimo, se recopila información sobre la persona para determinar si existe un trastorno de la fluidez.
En caso que si exista el trastorno, es importante determinar la medida en que afecta al individuo para desarrollar las actividades diarias o participar de las mismas. En el caso de los niños pequeños, es importante predecir si existe probabilidad de que continúen tartamudeando. La evaluación incluiría una serie de pruebas, observaciones y entrevistas encaminadas a calcular el riesgo de que el niño siga teniendo problemas de tartamudez. Si bien no existe un factor definitivo que se pueda utilizar para predecir si el niño continuará tartamudeando, la combinación de varios factores puede ayudar al especialista a determinar si es recomendable comenzar el tratamiento.
Para los niños de más edad y los adultos, no tiene tanta importancia determinar si seguirán o no tartamudeando, ya que ya constituye un problema en la vida diaria de la persona. Para estos individuos, la evaluación incluiría pruebas, observaciones y entrevistas encaminadas a evaluar la gravedad del trastorno y el impacto que el trastorno tiene en desarrollo de las actividades cotidianas.
En base a esta informacion se elabora un programa de tratamiento específico que ayude a la persona a:
- Hablar con más soltura y facilidad,
- comunicarse de manera más eficaz, y
- participar plenamente en las actividades del diario vivir.
Mitos sobre la tartamudez
Se suelen afirmar una serie de aspectos relacionados con la tartamudez, pero cada año se realizan mas estudios al respecto y, muchos de ellos se descartan. En un inicio se consideraba que los nervios causaban la tartamudez y que las personas que tartamudeaban eran propensas a experimentar mayor ansiedad o temor, pero esta afirmacion carece de fundamentos. Si es cierto que las situaciones estresantes suelen agravar los sintomas de la tartamudez.
Igualmente, hay quien afirmaba que la tartamudez podia ser “incorporada” por imitación. Lo cierto es que, si bien aún no son claras las causas exactas de la tartamudez, hay un componente genético importante, asi como el desarrollo neuromuscular y el medioambiente del niño, incluyendo la dinámica familiar, juegan un papel importante en el inicio de la tartamudez.
Por mucho que se quiera ayudar a la persona con tartamudez, el hecho de pedirle que “respire profundamente antes de hablar”, o que “piense lo que quiere decir antes de hacerlo”, solo hace que la persona tome mayor conciencia, haciendo que la tartamudez sea más severa. La respuesta que más puede ayudar es escuchar pacientemente y lograr modelar un habla lenta y clara.
Consejos para hablar con una persona con tartamudez
Hablar de manera lenta y pausada. Cuando la persona se dirija a usted, deje que termine lo que está diciendo y espere unos segundos antes de empezar a hablar usted nuevamente. Que usted hable lento y relajado ayudará mucho más que cualquier crítica o consejo.
Reduzca la cantidad de preguntas. Simplemente haga comentarios sobre lo que esta persona ha comentado.
Utilice expresiones faciales y cualquier tipo de comunicación no verbal para comunicarle que usted está escuchando el contenido del mensaje y no como lo está diciendo.
Disponga de algunos minutos de su tiempo cada día en el que pueda brindarle toda su atencion. Este momento de tranquilidad y calma puede ser constructor de confianza para los niños más pequeños, permitiéndole saber que usted disfruta de su compañía.
Aprender sobre la toma de turnos y la escucha activa. Las personas que tartamudean encuentran más fácil el hecho de hablar cuando hay pocas interrupciones.
Haga una pausa despues que su hijo le pregunte algo. Esto ayudará a que el lenguaje de su hijo esté menos presionado y sea más relajado.
Dele seguridad cuando su tartamudez haya empeorado. Algunos niños responden positivamente si se les dice algo asi como “Sé que es dificil hablar a veces…” Otros niños se sienten tranquilos cuando se les toca o se les da un abrazo.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Living Beyond Your Pain: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to Ease Chronic Pain
Book recommendation by Lidia Budziszewska, Psychologist M.S., Adult and Couples therapist in Sinews MTI, Working in: Zurbano & La Moraleja.
This workbook can be a valuable resource for those who struggle with chronic pain- back pain, neck pain, migraines, fibromialgia and any other chronic condition.
«Chronic pain is like a weed that can take over the landscape of your life if you let it. Yet, it doesn’t have to be this way» – John P. Forsyth
This book brings a new approach to pain, based on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), one of the most quickly developing therapies with an experimental evidence.
The novel approach is mostly represented by breaking with conventional notions of pain managment and «feel good » approaches. Since attempts to avoid it can often cause more harm than good to your body and mind.
But the ACT approach offers a different experience with pain. It teaches how to recognize it as an event that doesn´t have to interfere with your life. By learning how to live with the pain we can limit the way it controls our life. You might ask HOW?
And this worbook covers the ACTION part of the ACT practice, inviting you to set your mind on what´s important for you and start acting even in the presence of pain.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Papá y Mamá se divorcian
El número de separaciones en nuestro país ha aumentado exponencialmente a lo largo de los últimos años y las principales víctimas de todo proceso de ruptura son los hijos, en especial, los más pequeños.
Todo divorcio tiene repercusiones sobre los niños implicados. Las reacciones y sentimientos de cada niño al divorcio de sus padres depende de su nivel de desarrollo, su personalidad y temperamento, sus estilos de aprendizaje, sus fortalezas y debilidades particulares, sus necesidades únicas, explicaciones recibidas, continuidad de la relación con ambos progenitores, acuerdos o desacuerdos entre los padres, grado de hostilidad entre los mismos y la intervención de otros adultos o sistemas.
¿Cómo afecta el divorcio a mi hijo?
El divorcio, siempre produce un alto impacto emocional en los hijos. Atenuar este impacto para que sus consecuencias no acarreen un daño irreversible en su desarrollo psico- evolutivo, así como, alcanzar una reorganización familiar viable, es crucial para los niños. Por tanto, es importante conocer los cambios que se pueden producir.
Niños de 2 a 6 años
En los más pequeños son habituales conductas regresivas como volverse a hacer pipí en la cama, chuparse el dedo, querer dormir con los padres, miedos, ansiedad, etc. También rabietas, necesidad de llamar la atención constantemente, y ansiedad de separación (al dejarlo en el colegio). Podemos observar también una vinculación excesiva normalmente con la madre que se ve desbordada y no entiende lo que pasa. En ocasiones, el niño puede pasar de la agresividad al menosprecio, o a la búsqueda de un afecto incondicional (abrazos, besos, promesas de que se portará bien, etc.). También nos podemos encontrar con alteraciones en el patrón de la comida y el sueño, quejas somáticas (dolor de cabeza, estómago etc. no justificadas), apatía, introversión, mutismo ante nuevas personas, y dificultad para relacionarse o jugar.
Niños de 7 a 12
En esta franja de edad, los niños ya disponen de mayores recursos verbales lo que en cierto modo les ayuda a exteriorizar sus sentimientos. Pueden seguir presentes los diferentes síntomas antes expuestos, y además pueden presentar comportamientos y conductas de recriminación a los padres con la esperanza de intentar unirlos de nuevo si siguen sin aceptar la situación. Asimismo, pueden aparecer conductas manipulativas, de menosprecio o rencor a alguna de las figuras paternas, y esto se agravará según las actitudes que tomen los adultos que rodean al niño. Sentimientos de culpa, conductas de riesgo, baja autoestima, dificultades en las relaciones con sus iguales, baja tolerancia a la frustración, y agresividad son otros síntomas que pueden estar presentes en esta etapa. Pueden aumentar la hiperactividad e impulsividad, y puede también aparecer un deterioro en el rendimiento escolar. Niños que habitualmente eran buenos estudiantes pueden empezar a tener dificultades.
Adolescencia
Durante esta etapa, los jóvenes que afrontan la separación de los padres pueden incrementar sus conductas de riesgo (alcohol, drogas y otras sustancias). En las niñas parece que hay un mayor riesgo de que se produzcan, en algunos casos, precocidad o promiscuidad en las relaciones sexuales. Asimismo puede aparece la necesidad de vincularse afectivamente a una pareja pero con poca capacidad para mantener una relación estable y equilibrada, así como dificultades en las relaciones con los iguales y poca capacidad para la resolución de conflictos de forma dialogante. También son comunes una baja autoestima, baja tolerancia a la frustración y agresividad.
Cosas a evitar
El divorcio disuelve el vinculo conyugal que une legalmente a los esposos, pero conserva el vinculo parental que los une cómo padres. Los hijos no quieren perder a ninguno de sus progenitores, por lo tanto, tienen que sentirse seguros que no perderán sus presencias ni sus cuidados. Para esto, debemos tratar de evitar pedirle a los niños que escojan entre sus padres; pedirle a los niños que asuman una posición en cuanto al conflicto entre los padres; hablar mal del otro padre; ventilar las frustraciones en los niños; volvernos a los niños en busca de apoyo o guía; exponer a los niños a las discusiones; usar a los niños de mensajeros; usar a los niños de espías; decirle a los niños cómo deben sentirse; negar o descontar los sentimientos de los niños; pedirle a los niños que guarden nuestros secretos; descuidar las necesidades de los niños; exigirle demasiado a los niños; expresar la ira inapropiadamente; y expresar amargura, falta de respeto, u hostilidad hacia el otro padre.
Pautas de actuación para padres que se separan
- Los padres deben ayudar a los hijos a que entiendan que sus hábitos de vida van a cambiar y que tendrán que construir sus nuevas rutinas. Los niños deben acostumbrarse a disponer de uno u otro, en casas y ocasiones distintas. La normalidad en la vida de los padres provoca normalidad en la vida de los hijos.
- Los padres deben ayudar a sus hijos a que comprendan que sentimientos como la inseguridad, el miedo o el desánimo pueden aparecer y cómo pueden controlarlos. Los padres deben encauzar sus propios sentimientos para así poder ayudar luego a sus hijos a hacer lo mismo.
- Los padres deben dejar claro a sus hijos que siempre van a estar para ellos. Los padres se divorcian, los hijos no.
- Los progenitores que tras la separación se ven obligados a asumir tareas y responsabilidades que antes nunca habían tenido, e incluso limitaciones económicas, deben ser conscientes de que lo que sus hijos más necesitan es su atención, apoyo, presencia, afecto y amor. También debemos tener en cuenta que ahora no se trata de volcarse en exceso en los hijos ni tampoco dejarles hacer lo que quieran.
- Los padres deben hablar con sus hijos sobre su separación sin dar demasiadas explicaciones y sin atribuir culpables. Lo importante es que los niños sepan que sus padres seguirán a su lado y que podrán disponer de ellos cuando lo necesiten.
- Los padres deben evitar enfrentamientos entre ellos mismos. Vivir enfrentado obliga a odiar y el odio no aporta nada a los niños. Deben evitar ejercer demasiada presión a los hijos, impidiéndoles, por ejemplo, que tengan algún tipo de relación con la nueva pareja de su ex pareja o hablarle mal del otro conyugue.
Preguntas frecuentes y guías para su contestación
¿Por qué se va papá de casa?
Es importante contestar a sus preguntas de la forma más objetiva posible. Los reproches y las acusaciones al otro progenitor afectan a los niños porque les suponen un conflicto de lealtad. Para ellos, es mucho más importante saber las consecuencias concretas de la separación: ¿Dónde va a vivir papá? ¿Cuándo y cada cuánto tiempo le puedo ver?
Tiene ahora papá otra familia?
A veces los niños se sienten desplazados por motivos justificados. Cuando el padre o la madre inicia una nueva relación o incluso tiene otro hijo, la familia “anterior” ya no ocupa el primer plano. En esta situación, la sinceridad también es crucial. Aunque esta experiencia puede resultar dolorosa para todos, abstengámonos de acusaciones y juicios
Mamá, ¿tú también te vas a ir?
Para fomentar la confianza, los pequeños gestos cotidianos son importantes: ser puntual al recogerle de la guardería, cumplir las promesas (“este fin de semana iremos al parque de atracciones”), respetar los acuerdos de visitas. Cuanto más se pueda fiar el niño de la palabra de sus padres, más seguro se sentirá.
¿Cuándo vuelve papá a casa?
La sinceridad es muy importante. Las afirmaciones como “quizá papá vuelva un día” refuerzan el caos interior de los niños, porque así nunca abandonan la esperanza de que un día todo pueda volver a ser como antes, y no asumen la nueva situación.
¿Por qué estás tan triste?
Lo mejor es ser honestos y admitir que no estamos pasando el mejor momento de nuestra vida. También hay que esforzarse por no ahogarnos en la autocompasión. La sensación de que papá o mamá están desamparados y necesitan consuelo supera a cualquier niño. Los padres pueden y deben vivir y expresar sus emociones con toda franqueza en un entorno adulto, pero no es conveniente transmitirlas de forma tan explícita en las conversaciones con los hijos.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy