Sexual myths damage your mental health (and you may not have known it)

Sexual myths can impact self-esteem, anxiety, and relationship quality. Beliefs such as constant desire, orgasm as the goal, or love guaranteeing good sex may lead to guilt and frustration. Accurate sex education, open communication, and professional support are essential for a healthier and more emotionally balanced sexual life.

Talking about sex with family, friends, or simply in public is still uncomfortable, if not taboo, in many cases, and when it is discussed, it is often full of myths, made-up stories, and false beliefs that affect how we experience intimacy. But what many people don’t realise is the huge psychological impact these myths can have, which is often reflected in therapy: anxiety, guilt, low self-esteem… Do those sound familiar?

In this article, we will try to debunk some of these myths that we encounter in popular discourse, understand where they come from and, above all, see how they can damage our emotional and sexual well-being. Because the most important thing for a healthy and fulfilling sex life is to be well informed.

This belief is one of the classics in popular ideology. The idea that male desire is constant and inexhaustible, as well as the image of the ‘macho’ man that is expected and applauded in men (always linked, of course, to sexuality) is not only false, but also puts brutal pressure on men.

So what happens if a man doesn’t feel like having sex? In therapy, I often meet men of varying ages who say they feel ‘less manly’ or are afraid of being judged, by women in the case of heterosexual relationships, but especially by other men.

Firstly, performance anxiety sets in. Many of the men who say they have sex-related problems in consultation are very focused on ‘lasting’ or ‘wanting’ enough, but to please the other person, not to feel good about themselves. Similarly, these men will have difficulty expressing emotions that “prevent” or hinder sex or vulnerability during sexual relations, as this destroys that image of masculinity. And last but certainly not least, most of the cases of erection problems that I encounter in my practice are due to stress, either because of the two factors already mentioned or because of not paying attention to one’s emotional state at the moment of sexual intercourse (and if we are exhausted after a long day, feeling unwell or in a bad mood, we don’t feel like it, right?).

The reality is that the level of desire varies from person to person. Men can also have moments when their sexual desire fluctuates without this being a sign of a ‘lack of virility’ (or a lack of attraction to their sexual partner, which is also a very common fear).

This myth is doubly toxic: on the one hand, it repeats patterns that have been known and maintained for centuries of female sexual repression: it limits and can even punish female desire; on the other hand, it makes it invisible, hiding it even further in a secret or taboo realm. Furthermore, it limits access for a high percentage of women to sex education or the exploration of their own desire, since many women have learned (from hearing it) that it is ‘not right’ to desire, take the initiative, or talk about pleasure.

This idea can have a significant impact in several ways: firstly, we find ourselves in therapy with women who feel guilt or shame for feeling sexual desire or even for wanting to explore that desire (this may be alone, but it grows much more if it is done with several different sexual partners over time). We also hear stories of women who ‘hold back’ during sex, who do not show pleasure or communicate their desires to their partners for fear of being ‘too much’, which ends up creating a bad relationship with sex and can even lead to relationship problems.

Women, like men, have sexual desire. This sexual desire can be greater or lesser, and depends on various factors (emotional, circumstantial… just like in men, really). What often changes, and can reinforce this myth, are the ways in which it is expressed, which are also influenced by the cultural environment.

This idea is so widespread and has been reinforced so much in films and books that many patients in therapy overlook their emotional state when having relationships with other people. The lack of recognition of emotions can lead a large number of patients to believe that there is a physiological or psychological problem, when the reality is that they are simply not choosing the right moment.

It is quite logical to think that if we are tired, stressed, sad or angry, we cannot connect in the same way with people, plans or activities (even if we normally enjoy them). In sex, this happens in the same way: if we cannot generate arousal (because another emotion is already occupying that space) and connect with our sexual partner, the quality of the relationship can decline to the point of becoming impossible.

As in other aspects of life, emotions are inherent to human beings, so we cannot put them off, not even for sex. The reality is that the more emotionally available we are, the more we can connect with arousal, pleasure and trust with the other person, the better our sexual relationships will be.

Can you imagine a life in which all sexual encounters were like those depicted in adult material or films? It would surely be an intense, exhausting, unrealistic… and frustrating experience. The belief that sexual relations should arise ‘naturally’ and ‘perfectly’ (what could be more natural than human interaction? What is perfect about sex if we are all different?) disconnects us from our needs and tastes. The key to enjoying good relationships is based on knowing yourself and your partner, communication and consent. Contrary to the belief that many people bring to counselling sessions: talking during sex is necessary. Communicating needs, tastes, preferences, asking for permission and much more only improves the connection between two people, aligning them for greater enjoyment (no, it doesn’t kill the mood).

If we communicate openly during sex, we can avoid having unrealistic expectations about what we should and should not do, let go of the fear of failing or that the other person will not enjoy themselves, and normalise expressing how we feel. With these three simple steps to building sex, there is no room for error.

Although love and pleasurable, satisfying sex can go hand in hand (and patients often say they connect better sexually with people they have an emotional bond with), they are not two correlative conditions. The existence of a good emotional bond does not make us superhuman, it does not give us the power to know what is in the other person’s head, nor does it guarantee that we will always enjoy sex. The reality is that there are many variables beyond the emotional bond that can affect satisfaction with sexual relations.

If we entertain the idea that just because we love the other person, sex will definitely be satisfying, we may end up feeling guilty for not being satisfied or happy (if I love my partner, why am I not able to enjoy our relationship?), we may avoid talking to the other person about what is happening to us or what we need, and this can lead to relationship problems. In fact, if sex is always pleasurable in a relationship when there is love, why do many patients repeat that love and commitment are there, but the sexual aspect often falls short?

As with the previous myth, reality prevails: sex does not come out of nowhere, but is something that is worked on, including the emotional bond for a greater connection with the other person, but without neglecting the needs of each individual, even in the most loving relationships.

When sex becomes a ‘race to orgasm,’ we lose sight of everything along the way, overlooking signs of discomfort or failing to enjoy the process. This idea that sex must culminate in orgasm in order to be satisfying brings with it various difficulties, such as generating anxiety if orgasm (and not only one’s own, but also that of the other person) does not occur, as well as a significant impact on self-esteem and perception of oneself and one’s abilities (sexual, physical and emotional) if the peak of pleasure is not reached. Furthermore, it can lead to the well-known self-fulfilling prophecy in therapy: our patients are so afraid and under so much pressure to achieve orgasm that it never comes (remember that emotions affect sex).

How can we feel better during sexual relations? How can we have pleasurable sex? The reality is that the goal of sex is not about reaching orgasm or not. The pleasure of physical sensations, of connecting with another person, of shared intimacy and of the other person’s presence define a satisfying relationship. There are many other things that come before or complement orgasm: kissing, caressing, playing, confessions, praise… orgasm can be part of it, but it is not the goal.

It is important not to experience sexuality from a place of guilt or demand. Each person has different experiences and needs, and myths are just invisible baggage that we carry around and end up weighing us down. Opening your mind to other realities is the first step to experiencing sex with more freedom, pleasure and mental health. There are many ways to experience good sex, but by feeding into unrealistic beliefs, we will find the same outcome: discomfort.

1. Is it normal for sexual desire to fluctuate?
Yes. Sexual desire naturally varies depending on emotional, physical, and contextual factors.

2. Do emotions affect sexual performance?
Yes. Stress, sadness, or fatigue can influence arousal and connection with a partner.

3. Is orgasm necessary for sex to be satisfying?
No. Pleasure, intimacy, and emotional connection are also key components of satisfying sex.

4. Does love guarantee a fulfilling sex life?
Not necessarily. Sexual satisfaction requires communication, self-awareness, and mutual understanding.

5. When should I seek professional help?
If sexual concerns cause anxiety, guilt, relationship difficulties, or persistent emotional distress.

Clara Gallego is a general health psychologist at Sinews MTI. She specializes in couples therapy and trauma and attachment. She also treats other issues such as anxiety, grief, sexuality-related problems, family conflicts, and interpersonal relationship difficulties. Her approach is integrative, adapting the intervention to each patient, but with a clear systemic focus (the individual as part of a system). She also incorporates her knowledge of mindfulness and compassion into her interventions.