Teleworking Challenges & Children
From March 11, when the provinces in Spain were confined, our lives changed radically over the next few months. A new way of working emerged with the support of technology. The teleworking that has been implemented for a couple of years gained a greater boom, becoming the new way of working.
On the other hand, homeschooling has become a new strategy for bringing education closer to children. In addition, to provide the usual comfort, our houses became offices and outpatient schools during confinement. The internet and new technologies were fundamental sources of socialization, as well as balconies and terraces the ingenious way of communicating with our neighbours, exercising, applauding the health workers and contributing with our posters to provide moral support to all those who were fighting in the front row against the pandemic.
With the passing of the days, we have adapted to a new normal that has put our limits to the test, showing us that human beings have the skills to adjust to the different obstacles they face.
Among the things that have been experienced during this challenging season, some changes have shown how effective they are. Among them teleworking, which seems to be the new way of working for the near future. This new way of conceiving our workspaces has advantages and disadvantages that it is important to take into account.
Among the main advantages are:
- Greater job opportunities
- Increase in productivity
- Unification of family goals
- Possibility of combining work with family life
- Personal choice of work environment
- Promote access to training
- Organization of your own time
Among the main disadvantages are:
- The environment in which the worker develops their work may not be the most suitable for carrying out their activities
- Increases of a sedentary lifestyle
- Increases in conflicts or distractions in the family nucleus
- Loss of socialization
- Unlimited working hours
- Increase of isolation feelings, and loneliness
However, with the confinement of families at home, family conciliation was altered by the space that parents shared with their children, where they had to assimilate the role of the teacher in addition to the different tasks, they had to perform within their house walls. In the beginning, teleworking emerged as an option in the search for a balance between family life and work life. During the months of confinement, this could not be achieved, since most of the people, in addition to carrying out their work functions, generally had to accompany their children in their studies and at the same time they took care of their home chores. Given the imminent arrival of the new school year, it has been put on the table the maintenance of teleworking in order to preserve the social distancing so necessary in the prevention of contagion by COVID-19.
From March to June, most adults have manifested high levels of discomfort when having to attend their children's online classes at the same time as they had to comply with their work obligations.
In addition to dealing with the uncertainties inherent in the situation we have faced, psychological consequences have been noted such as high levels of stress and anxiety, increased family disputes, excessive fatigue, loss of space and free time, among others.
In the same way, parents have seen their role unsettled by having to be attentive to their children connecting to their online classes maintaining their routine and stability.
Because all of this, in recent days it has become clear that continuing children online schooling is not an option. The presence of children at school is extremely necessary, firstly because teachers are trained in the goals that they must achieve at an academic level, the role of parents has been distorted when they have to teach their children school activities.
Second, children's interaction with their teachers is totally different from what they usually have with their parents, so that sometimes the transmission of knowledge is better received by them when it comes from the external figure of a teacher. This has been one of the leading causes of family disputes and frustration.
Third, children need to socialize with their classmates; this not only contributes to their emotional stability but also has a significant influence on the learning process of academic content.
For all this, it is of the utmost importance that the little ones go back to school, of course taking into account that it is a somewhat atypical return. Before the start of school, we must talk with our children about the measures that will be taken before returning to school grounds.
Among them take into account:
- Children over 6 years old must wear the mask at all times
- Hygiene always has to be at hand, we can send our children with a sanitizing kit that contains hydroalcoholic gel and if we wish, their own soap
- Teach them to wash their hands for 20 seconds with the method recommended by specialists
- They should wash their hands every time they change activities
- The new greeting is bumping the elbows
- Hands should be kept away from the face
- Once we get home, we must get rid of our clothes, air them and take a bath in order to avoid possible risks
- Explain that they probably will not be able to interact with other children other than those in their class, thus keeping then school bubbles
These rules, if possible, should be explained prior to the start of classes and reinforce them whenever we can. The return to class will entail a period of adaptation for all parents, teachers and children. The little ones need our accompaniment at all times, paying special attention to the presence of fear, nervousness or emotionally distraught. It is vitally important that they feel comfortable to be able to express their emotions freely by providing strategies to help them deal with them. Children can cope with this by elaborating their feelings while parents must validate those emotions, name them, and empathize with them.
The return to the school routine will bring infinite benefits for children and parents, especially if telework is here to stay. This will surely give us more stability to adapt to our new normal.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Esperanza en Espera
Tenías tantas ganas de reinventarte, cambiar tu trabajo, dedicarte más a tu familia, viajar y explorar… Y entonces llegó la pandemia. Muchos planes, ilusiones y sueños se han visto parados, pospuestos o incluso cancelados, por el momento. La tentación es añadir… “para siempre”. Pero la diferencia entre para siempre y por el momento es la esperanza.
¿Qué es la esperanza? En palabras de C.R Snyder, autor de la clásica Teoría de la Esperanza, la esperanza es la sensación que se genera cuando sabemos que podremos conseguir lo que nos proponemos. Surge cuando se juntan dos elementos: la voluntad y las opciones. Cuando la determinación encuentra su camino, aparece la esperanza. Dicho de otra forma, esperanza es descubrir que existen diferentes posibilidades para llegar a mi destino y sentir que soy capaz y motivad@ para hacer lo que es necesario para activar esas posibilidades. Es el opuesto de la impotencia, que se caracteriza por una sensación de que hagamos lo que hagamos, no va a servir para nada.
En un mundo de cambios constantes, tener esperanza no significa ser iluso, sino es la manera más realista de plantearnos nuestros sueños. Si la llegada imprevista de Covid-19 te ha roto un sueño, no hace falta rendirse y asumir que nunca será posible. Necesitas reactivar tu esperanza para encontrar una manera diferente para llegar allí.
Muchos de los clientes que estaba apoyando en hacer realidad una transición vital, se han visto parados y temporalmente desanimados durante los meses del confinamiento y la vuelta a la nueva normalidad. Todos ellos tuvieron que reencontrar nuevos caminos para seguir avanzando en la dirección deseada. No es siempre sencillo, pero al final, quién busca, encuentra.
Cuando Covid-19 llegó a Madrid, Sam se volvió a casa de sus padres para estar cerca de ellos en anticipación del impacto que iba a tener la pandemia en Estados Unidos. ¿Dejó atrás su sueño de vivir en España como escritor autónomo? No. Aprovechó el tiempo en casa de su familia para diseñar con más claridad su plan de acción de cambiar de trabajo. Recordó con más detalle sus aficiones de niño al volver a dormir en la habitación de su infancia. Volvió con una determinación renovada para hacer realidad para lo que había venido a hacer. Y había encontrado nuevos caminos. Eso es reactivar la esperanza.
Pero una duda nos queda a muchos… ¿y si estoy soñando lo imposible? Depende…
Sueño o fantasía
Según las sabias palabras de Marcia Wieder, la diferencia entre un sueño y una fantasía es que puedes diseñar una estrategia para hacer realidad tu sueño. Hacer realidad una fantasía por otro lado no depende de ti. No puedes trazar un plan, porque simplemente no hay manera. No hay caminos. Que me toque la lotería, ¿es un sueño? No, es una fantasía. Pero es posibles, ¿no? Sí, por supuesto es posible, con una probabilidad pequeñísima, infinitesimal. Puedes comprar un billete, pero no nos engañemos, si te toca no depende de ti. No puedes hacer nada para inclinar las probabilidades escasas en tu favor. Si insistimos en considerar la compra de billete una estrategia, es bastante ineficaz.
Rescata tu sueño
Lo primero que hago con mis clientes es diferenciar si lo que buscan es un sueño o una fantasía. Si nos encontramos con una fantasía, les recuerdo que detrás de cada fantasía se esconde un sueño, sólo tenemos que encontrarlo y reformularlo:
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“Quiero que me toque la lotería” se convierte en “Quiero tener libertad financiera”.
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“Quiero encontrar el trabajo perfecto” se convierte en “Quiero usar mis fortalezas para contribuir a un proyecto que me importa”.
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“Nunca más quiero trabajar” se convierte en “Quiero generar más fuentes de ingresos pasivos”.
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“Quiero ir a vivir a una isla caribeña y no tener un jefe más en mi vida” se convierte en “Quiero dedicar tiempo a desarrollar mi plan de negocios y buscarme un socio que tenga experiencia en el emprendimiento”.
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“Sólo quiero estar tranquilo” se convierte en “Quiero reorganizar mis días para encontrar un equilibrio entre el trabajo, los niños y recuperar una de mis aficiones.”
¿Y si no encontramos ni un sueño, ni una esperanza? Entonces ya tenemos el primer paso: Quiero volver a soñar.
No esperes más. Ahora es el momento. Ahora es el momento para reactivar tu esperanza.
Vuelta con sentido
Al perder libertad de movimiento y tener que acoplarnos a nuevas realidades, nuestra capacidad de acción se ha visto afectada.
Un estudio realizado por el Centro de Psicología Positiva Aplicada (CAPP) en Inglaterra midió el impacto de la pandemia en la expresión de diferentes fortalezas. Los resultados sugieren que nuestra capacidad de acción, relacionada con fortalezas como aprovechar el tiempo, planificar y ejecutar planes de forma satisfactoria se vio mermada de forma significativa.
Cuando nuestras vidas “normales” fueron interrumpidas de forma busca, los salones y dormitorios se convirtieron en colegios caseros u oficinas improvisadas, también se rompieron todas nuestras rutinas de productividad. No había más sitio, ni en nuestras casas, ni nuestras cabezas para meter ni una sola cosa más. Cuando necesitamos crear nuevos hábitos para sobrevivir, los sueños que podrían llevar crecimiento, pero también mucha incertidumbre, pasaron a un segundo plano. Dónde hay mucho miedo y estrés, la ilusión se despide, “Mejor que vuelva luego”. Por eso, nuestras esperanzas se quedaron en espera. Actuemos ahora, para que no caigan en olvido.
Por otro lado, el estudio encontró que fortalezas como la Gratitud, el Crecimiento, la Reflexión y el Autoconocimiento se vieron reforzadas. Hemos aprendido mucho sobre nosotros, somos más fuertes que antes, hemos tenido tiempo para pensar y conocernos un poco más. Nos hemos hecho nuestro máster personal en resiliencia. Aunque no tenga título, vale mucho.
Con suerte, el tiempo y la habituación, junto al calor y el descanso de un verano atípico, nuestra ilusión se empieza a recuperar del susto. Hubo muchas pérdidas, y las hemos llorado. Pero la vida sigue y nuestra salud mental necesita que reactivemos nuestras ganas de crecer. Ante la vuelta a la nueva normalidad, la ilusión nos invita a explorar con curiosidad: ¿Quieres volver? ¿A qué sí? ¿A qué no?
Reactiva tu esperanza
Para reactivar tu esperanza, prueba estos tres pasos, para quitarle el polvo a tus sueños y dejarte inspirar por ellos nuevamente.
Paso 1: ¿Qué es lo que quiero?
Especifica qué tipo de cambio necesitas en este momento en tu vida. ¿Quieres retomar un proyecto que se ha quedado parado? ¿Quieres retomarlo tal cual lo habías imaginado o necesita algún retoque? Si piensas que es imposible, ¿Qué es lo que realmente querrías conseguir mediante este proyecto? ¿Con qué valor está relacionado? ¿Más libertad, más autenticidad, más disfrute, más conexión, más impacto…? Identifica el sueño o la necesidad detrás de la fantasía
Puede que en este momento te sientes atrapad@ y frustrad@, porque hace mucho que has dejado de soñar y no sabes ni por dónde empezar. Tu sueño es volver a soñar. No intentes abordar este paso desde el intelecto. Para permitirte volver a soñar, empieza por las emociones y los recuerdos de pasado.
¿Hay una cierta sensación vital que quieres volver a vivir? ¿Qué recuerdos vinculas con esa sensación? ¿Hubo momentos de inspiración profunda que te pusieron la piel de gallina y que recuerdas con detalle hasta el día de hoy? ¿Qué te hace sentir viv@?
Si te apetece, busca imágenes que expresan esa sensación vital que buscas, sea por un cambio laboral, un cambio personal o simplemente un cambio de hábitos. Crea un collage, digital o analógico, dando un buen uso a todas esas revistas que querrías haber tirado hace tiempo. Crea una representación visual de lo que quieres para tí.
Paso 2: Abre caminos
Recuerda que tener esperanza no requiere cambiarlo todo, sino saber que hay muchas maneras para llegar a dónde quieres. Necesitas encontrar opciones diversas, que te llevarán en la dirección de tu destino deseado. Encuentra tres o cuatro maneras que ves factibles y elige tu Plan A.
Entonces, empieza a dar pasitos en esa dirección. Si quieres volver a ser más creativa en el trabajo, pero no sabes cómo, empieza por pequeñas variaciones en cómo haces tu trabajo. Haz algo nuevo o diferente cada día. Si aparece la oportunidad de mostrar tu vena creativa, cógela, aunque aparezca disfrazada como un nuevo reto que te da un poco de miedo a primera vista.
En la entrevista de trabajo que me dio mi primer trabajo en una multinacional me preguntó mi futuro compañero: “Si no te contratamos, ¿qué harías?” Le contesté con total sinceridad y entusiasmo “No lo sé, si no puedo trabajar en Marketing, a lo mejor me pongo a estudiar Psicología.” Aparte te mi inocencia, la respuesta mostró que sabía intuitivamente que mi mundo no iba a acabar si no podía tener este puesto al que estaba aspirando. Fue una respuesta de esperanza. Que encima se hizo realidad un año más tarde cuando dejé la empresa para perseguir mi pasión, es otra historia…
Un puesto es sólo un camino posible entre las muchas vías que nos acercan a lo que realmente buscamos cuando soñamos: ser feliz, hacer lo que nos gusta, contribuir nuestro granito de arena.
Paso 3: Comprométete con el camino
Parece que los cambios requieren un esfuerzo extraordinario. Es verdad, pero no cualquier tipo de esfuerzo. Necesitan una dedicación prolongada en el tiempo, en vez de un esfuerzo sobrehumano puntual. Habrá momentos difíciles y fáciles, un poco de todo. Lo importante es seguir avanzando, sin prisa, pero sin pausa.
Si un camino que estamos contemplando nos quita las ganas de empezar con sólo pensarlo, tiene que haber otra manera más sencilla, más tuya, más auténtica, más viable. No hagas cualquier cosa, haz lo que te va bien a ti.
Recuerda que el segundo ingrediente de la esperanza es la determinación, las ganas de comprometerte con uno de los caminos que has identificado. Sentir que te apetece, que te pone una sonrisa en la cara y sientes cosquillas en el estómago y pensar “Lo quiero probar. Creo que puede funcionar.” Reconocerás la sensación cuando la sientas.
Puede que habrá contratiempos, puede que tengamos de cambiar de estrategia a mitad de camino. Pero no pasa nada. A veces tenemos que abandonar un camino y elegir otro porque se ha quedado bloqueado. Una vez que estás en marcha, es menos probable que te detengas. Cambiamos la estrategia, pero no la meta. En todo ese proceso buscamos empezar con un plan que parece posible, nos motiva y refuerza nuestra voluntad. Y lo abordamos con confianza, sabiendo que si falla siempre habrá un plan B, C, D o E.
Cuidado con la pasión
La mayor determinación es la que viene acompañada de pasión. Somos más perseverantes cuando hacemos algo de todo corazón. Así lo confirman los estudios de Angela Duckworth, que llama “grit” a la combinación de determinación y pasión.
Pero en mi práctica profesional veo que necesitamos manejar la pasión con cuidado.
Si sabes lo que activa tu ilusión, la sientes en tu cuerpo, la palpas claramente, ¡fantástico! Persigue ese camino. Pero si no, no te preocupes, olvídate del cuento de hadas (o mejor dicho, la novela romántica del artista que redescubre su pasión) y empieza con algo más sencillo. La pasión es sólo un camino. Hay otros.
En una conferencia, Liz Gilbert, autora del bestseller convertido en película de Hollywood “Come, reza, ama” confesó a sus seguidores que había sobrevalorado la pasión. “Siempre he hablado de seguir la pasión. Necesito pedir disculpas si te he confundido. La pasión fue mi camino. Fue fácil, porque siempre lo he tenido claro que querría escribir. Pero sé que hay muchos caminos más. Podemos empezar con algo más básico: Persigue tu interés, y mira dónde te lleva”.
Aparte de la pasión, podemos seguir las indicaciones de nuestro interés, la curiosidad, la intuición, las ganas de aprender…. Más caminos, más esperanza.
No postergas el comienzo
Cuando sepas más o menos por dónde tirar, es el momento de pasar a la acción. Elige tu primer paso. Si te da miedo, elige uno más pequeño. Si no estás seguro, prueba igualmente. Si te sientes sólo, compártelo con alguien que te animará. Pero empieza, ponte en marcha. Vuelve a sentir la ilusión de los comienzos nuevos.
¿Te quedas en blanco? Te propongo un pasito muy sencillo, que no tiene coste, sólo requiere una hora de tu tiempo y te dará un espacio para reflexionar. Si quieres explorar nuevas maneras para reinventar tu vida y tu trabajo a la vuelta a la nueva normalidad, apúntate a la serie de seminarios gratuitos, los viernes de Septiembre 2020 en el este enlace.
Facilitados por Eva Katharina Herber, patrocinados por SINEWS MTI.
La autora: Eva Katharina Herber
Eva es Psicología Clínica Sanitaria en Sinews Multilingual Therapy Institute en Madrid. Ayuda a sus clientes a navegar tiempos disruptivos de cambio con aplicaciones práctica de Psicología Positiva, con un énfasis especial en la generación de sentido en la adversidad y la identificación de las fortalezas personales. Si necesitas un tiempo y espacio para procesar emociones difíciles o buscas apoyo durante un nuevo comienzo, puedes contactarla here.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
How do I choose a good therapist?
Most people, at some point in their lives, find themselves in a situation where a problem arises that they cannot solve on their own, be it sleep problems, problems with their partner, grief, handling of emotions, or any problem that causes them significant discomfort in their lives that makes them need professional assistance to be able to solve it and they decide to seek psychological help. In this situation, some of the first questions that should arise are:
What do I need to consider when looking for a good professional?
What requirements should I consider ensuring that the help provided by my therapist will be beneficial to me?
The answers to these questions, and many others, are usually unknown to the general population that does not have contact with psychotherapy, and even to people who are already in therapy, and therefore I will try to give some guidelines in this article on how to choose a good therapist starting by describing the basic requirements and ending with some less intuitive questions, all of them can be grouped into 3 criteria summarized below:
Professional training
This first point may be the most intuitive of all, but it still deserves a section for some important questions that we are going to discuss. The professional you decide to attend for psychological therapy must have a minimum specific training to be able to offer therapy, which includes a degree in psychology and a health qualification that can be achieved with a PIR (Opposition to become a clinical specialist) training, MPGS (Master in General Health Psychology) or qualification in clinical psychology prior to the creation of these two.
. In psychology, there are many areas such as human resources psychology, sports psychology, Marketing or research-oriented psychology, areas that, although very valuable, do not enable or allow the person to offer psychological therapy of any kind (unless they also have health authorization). Any training other than those listed is not psychological therapy and precautions must be taken not to attend them due to the likelihood that their problem will worsen.
A good way to avoid falling into the hands of an unqualified person is to ensure that our Therapist is a member of the official school of psychologists in their area since without it they are not allowed to practice. All official schools allow people to consult about their therapist by name, and the professional must offer you information on where they are registered and their specific training of which you have the right to know.
The type of therapeutic approach
This section is probably less intuitive for a person who does not have knowledge of how psychological therapy works. In psychology there are different types of therapy, which use different techniques to address and solve the different problems that we may have, being important to ensure that the one used by your therapist is one that is based on evidence and shows efficacy.
Currently, in psychology, there are a wide variety of therapies, but not all have evidence of being effective, or have evidence of being harmful, and without training in the field it can be difficult to discern one from the other. The approaches that are based on evidence and with the best results are currently the behavioural approaches (behavioural therapy or behaviour modification) and the cognitive-behavioural approach (cognitive-behavioural therapy), which are the most used today.
On the other hand, we have approaches that are not contrasted or with evidence of not being effective , among which we could name 'past life therapy' or that known as 'Therapeutic touch or Reiki', which should not be offered by professional centres as they will not help to solve the problems that you may have.
To find out if an offered therapy is based on evidence or not, you can go to the website of the APA (American Psychological Association), the organization in charge of investigating the efficacy of different types of therapy, or conversely to the website of the APETP (association to protect the patient from pseudoscientific therapies) where you will find a list of uncontested therapies. As in the previous point, you have the right to know the evidence that supports the therapy that you are going to start.
Método de trabajo
If you notice your therapist isn't explaining what you have to do, doesn't ask questions about the problem or tells you you've got the solution, he is not doing psychological therapy.
Every professional in psychology has certain differences in the way they work, no two therapists are the same, but there are certain requirements that the therapist must meet in their work, which we can summarize in the following points:
- Evaluation, diagnosis, and treatment: the professional who treats you must evaluate the problems with which you arrive to find out how it was established and how to treat it. The normal thing is to use the first 4 or 5 sessions to evaluate and then receive an explanation from the therapist about what is happening to him and how he plans to fix it. If you do not receive an explanation of the problem from your therapist, or they do not explain what they are going to do, or you see that you are not being asked questions about the problem, you should ask why. If your professional tells you that they do not work that way, they are not doing psychological therapy.
- Directivity: one of the key points of therapy, although it is often overlooked, is that the professional who treats you is an expert in human behaviour, they’re the ones who knows how to ask questions about the problem and how to treat it, and they should communicate their work appropriately. If you see that your therapist is not explaining what you should do, does not ask questions about the problem, or tells you that you have the solution, you are not undergoing psychological therapy.
- Progress and end of therapy: as much as it may sound intuitive, the ultimate goal of all therapy, and of the therapist, is that the person who seeks it no longer needs it, to be useless to the person. This is achieved by working on the problem, according to the instructions provided by your therapist, to solve the problem, find out how it originated and learn not to fall back on it. If after a long time you see no results, nothing changes, or your therapist returns to the same point over and over again, your therapy may not be working, and you should talk to your therapist about it.
It should be mentioned that there are more points to consider when choosing a therapist, but these general guidelines should help you know the minimum you need to know.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English, Spanish and Norwegian
Healthy Boundaries
This pandemic has been a global life-changing scenario: grieving unexpected losses, managing worry regarding financial instability, learning to balance work time and family time. This has triggered a lot of reflection in the news questioning the lifestyles we have been carrying until now. If you've been living abroad for some time, far away from your family of origin, you might have found yourself missing your family and friends back home and thinking again about your choice of living abroad. In my sessions with my expat clients, I frequently see them struggling to make peace with their decision to stay abroad. In the current world-wide crisis, that choice can feel more substantial than ever. Nobody wants to feel like they are leaving their loved ones behind. Neither we want to feel obligated to connect and reach out when the nature of our bond is complicated.
In some cases, the decision to live abroad also comes with an inevitable push to find the much-needed emotional distance from unhealthy relational dynamics. Remember: in some instances, living abroad is the healthiest possible choice! However, particularly toxic dynamics are still in action thousands of miles away; in those cases, setting healthy boundaries and upholding them becomes paramount.
During the lockdown, we often found ourselves with a lot of time in our hands. Did you take some time to reflect on the course of your life? Why not take advantage of it now and rethink our most significant relationships? What impact do those relationships have in your life? Do you find yourself struggling and overthinking whether you want to keep in touch with them? Do you find yourself continually justifying who you are to them? Do you dread getting in touch because every time you do subtle messages with guilt or threats is thrown into the conversation? Do you believe that no matter what you do, it's never good enough for them?
If you read the questions above and several dreadful familiar scenarios and memories came to mind, you've probably experienced some manipulation. Unfortunately, psychological and emotional manipulation is a very frequently-used powerful tool for gaining control by politicians, marketing campaigns, and close relationships. This manipulation is not always intentional and is quickly learned from one generation to the next one. Breaking free from passing down manipulative messages filled with guilt from one generation to the next one is not easy. Those messages are usually ingrained in interactions and disguised as pieces of advice from an experienced member. Other times they come in the form of reminding us of all the sacrifices they've done for us. Beware of those messages since nobody but ourselves is responsible for our actions. In Susan Forward's book, Toxic parents, she describes several family dynamics with different types of deep-seated psychological manipulation which can lead to direful interactions. From negligent parents who were unable to take care of their children's emotional and physical needs to any abusive dynamic.
If you've dealt with unhealthy family dynamics all your life, you've probably run out of ideas on how to heal those bonds. Maybe you also came to terms with the realization that they are most likely not going to change. You know you care a lot about them, and that to create a healthy relationship you need to start validating your own emotional needs and start setting up boundaries. However, upholding those boundaries seems like a terrible idea and impossible to put into action. What has stopped you in the past from making the changes you need? Is it the idea that you're selfish for needing that space? Or do you feel guilty because you think you're not a 'good daughter/son/sibling/...' if you ask for that?
Guilt is probably one of the most definite obstacles people find when thinking of setting boundaries. Imagine guilt as the tug-of-war between what you wish to do and what you think you should do. "Shoulds" often come from the legacy of family messages we've learned growing up. Some of them are direct, like: "Always put family first." However, in most cases, we learn those values just from observing our parents and closest relatives. For example, picking up from your mother's actions that being a good mother meant being selfless due to her always putting everyone else's needs before hers. Those family messages make up some of the moral rules you carry around. When you feel guilty about your interaction with your family, have you thought what "shoulds" are triggered? Do you still identify with those values as an adult? Or have you rebelled? And most importantly, what do you honestly want?
How to set and uphold healthy boundaries
To begin with, do you know for which aspects of your relationship with them you need boundaries? Your body might be your ally in learning when someone has crossed your limits. You can notice when they break your barriers because your body will also react with anxiety, feeling rigid or tense, etc. Take some time to think what made you feel upset: does it feel you have an obligation to talk to them every day? Or that you think they could interrupt your life unexpectedly with their emotional crisis?
Then, think about what you need to protect yourself and your emotional needs. To do that, reflect on what aspects of your life you share with them, how often you are in contact with them, and consider if the relationship is one-sided or not in terms of emotional support.
Tip #1: What do you share with them?
You grew up feeling invalid or continuously depending on validation for who you were. Do you still think you need to update them regularly on your life getting to the point of oversharing? How is their reaction when you share vulnerable experiences? Choose wisely who you are sharing with- it should be someone you can count on responding compassionately. Especially if your life and identity are things they disagree on (i.e., sexual orientation or identity, religious beliefs, politics, etc.) and often criticize you about it. Remember, in dysfunctional dynamics, the more you share, the more private information can be used against you. Instead, why don't you focus the attention on them or on neutral topics?
Tip #2: Who do you go to for emotional support?
When you've carried around emotional wounds from your childhood, it's understandable that you long for the support, guidance, and validation you've never had. Watch out for what Freud[i] called repetition compulsion. In simple terms, this means endlessly engaging in situations similar to past experiences where you were hurt before, but hoping this time, things will go differently. Do you expect that your parents will react in a supportive way this time? And afterward, do you find yourself wishing you hadn't gone to them and getting mad at yourself for getting your hopes up again?
Tip #3: When do you answer them?
If, in the past, you felt you were the emotional caretaker of your parents, most probably, you are still unintentionally carrying on with the same roles throughout your adult life. This interaction can be challenging when living abroad, primarily due to time difference: are you supposed to be available any time of the day? Do you feel you are their emotional firefighter- always on-call and ready to calm them down? Have you ever thought of changing your communication patterns? If you're still answering them whenever they call with a crisis, you're unknowingly reinforcing that unhealthy dynamic.
Tip #4: Rethink the frequency of contact:
How do you connect with the person you are trying to set new boundaries? Do you call them once per week? How do you feel after you connect with them? What would be a reasonable frequency of contact for you?
There are several ways you can show them you care: for example, sending them an article or a joke that reminded you of them.
Why not reduce your call frequency and demonstrate them in another way-a more respectful way with your needs- that you are there for them?
Tip #5: Learning to break guilt-tripping messages
Sometimes guilt and shame are sturdy emotional chains that prevent people from leaving unhealthy relationships. Guilt can be experienced internally when questioning if it is fair to ask for what you need. It can also be imposed externally- with what is known as guilt-tripping. Be careful with how you reply to those messages: the real message or demand is often hidden. Learn to address the real issue directly while ensuring not to take responsibility for the other person's feelings or falling for the trap of guilt. Write an example?
Do you feel that showing your loved ones you care about them and being available for them means forgetting your own mental well-being?
Then it's the time to face the reality that changes always start and finish with you! Why not give it a try to embracing your choices and making the changes you need to do?
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English and Spanish
After Life: A learning medium to help understand what happens to people who suffer from depression
Depression, this word is associated with a lot of meanings that we’ve learnt according to the popular meaning of it in our society. The most popular notion that we all have is probably a sad person (be it for something specific or general) who spends the day in bed without being able to do anything due to a lack of energy, and that is how most of us have been sold the disorder through popular series and movies of our time.
There is a reason why depression is the most popularly known mental disorder and it’s that at some point in life we all have a passing episode of it, a period of time where we feel without energy, without the desire to do anything, and with a general sadness about everything or even a lack of emotions in general.
But the truth is that depression encompasses many more things, and the fact of making it a popularly known phenomenon has also generated a large number of myths about it, myths such as depression is just a lack of desire, that over time the person who suffers it overcomes it without help, that depression appears because something bad has happened to us or that we can always see when a person is depressed. The truth is that none of this is totally true, depression englobes many different behavioural patterns and it is more common to find two completely different cases than are the same, even if it is the same disorder.
As we’ve already mentioned, there are a large number of series and movies that deal with depression, although many of them fall into the error (whether intentional or not) of romanticizing it or generating myths, and therefore I want to recommend a series that is a mixture of drama and comedy written by, and starring, one of the world's most renowned comedian Ricky Dene Gervais, called After life. In this series Ricky Gervais plays the role of Tony Johnson, a journalist for a small local newspaper in his town, who enters a depressive state after the death of his wife from cancer.
Tony views suicide as a way to end everything and realizes that he no longer cares about anything, all the 'social' norms, his well-being, hygiene,friends and other things no longer matter to him so he is free to do and say what he wants, but his plans of being 100% free are 'frustrated' by the continued insistence of his family and friends to make sure he's okay and to try to help him, which only makes his situation and feelings worse.
In addition, we can see how Tony is enduring day by day due to some recordings that his wife left him where he is periodically reminded that he has to keep trying, that he doesn’t have to give up and that he has people who love him, being a magnificent representation of the thoughts that many affected people have and that leads them to continue holding on. Another important aspect is his dog Brandy, who accompanies him in almost the entire series and is painted as a protection factor against the need he has to continue taking care of her, even if he doesn’t care about anything.
The series shows in a very realistic way, but also with very comic touches, what the day-to-day life of a person with depression is like, how they think and rationalize the things they do and the factors that can make the depressive state prolong itself in time, giving us a hard but very accurate notion about what can lead to suffering from a depressive disorder. Proof of its realism is the acclaimed criticism that the series has had not only by its fans but also by some mental health organizations that endorse its realism and are grateful that the taboo to this disorder is removed in a comical but hard way. For all this, I would recommend the afterlife series as a learning medium that can help understand what happens to people who suffer from depression, be it for close people like friends or family, or even for the person who suffers from it.
Currently, the After-life series is available on Netflix and already has 2 seasons with a third season confirmed and in production.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English, Spanish and Norwegian
Your Psychologist with you: Therapeutic accompaniment
By Tommy Norheim, psychologist on the SINEWS clinical team. Tommy has extensive experience in the field of home care for patients with severe mental illness in his country of origin, Norway, and later during his internship in the Master in General Health Psychology at SINEWS.
In our present, in the age of information, the existing figures in the health area are well known to the entire population, figures such as professionals in medicine, nursing, physiotherapy, psychology, assistants of different types, etc. But even with the enormous amount of information we have about these experts, there are still some that are not as well known, and in this article I will try to shed light on one of them that, in my opinion, is still not completely known, specifically that of the therapeutic companion, the functions it performs and how it is done from the area of psychology.
A therapeutic companion is a health professional who performs the task of assisting a person with health problems, whether physical or mental, in those areas where they cannot cope independently, usually in a field other than the clinical or hospital context such as the family home, school, work, etc. Very often, the cases where these tasks occur are with people suffering from severe mental disorders, developmental disorders, autism spectrum disorders, people disabled by reduced mobility or other problems that limit their ability to cope.
Unlike therapies in clinical or hospital contexts, the main job of a therapeutic companion is, whatever the redundancy, accompanying the person in the areas where they have specific problems, making sure to supervise the activities they can do on their own and helping, in the form of guidance rather than substitution, in activities that are difficult.
Having explained and understood what a therapeutic companion is (in general), it is worth asking what role a profesional in psychology who performs this function can play, what kind of problems can a psychologist solve by accompanying a person during their daily chores that are problematic.
Today there is still a lot of misinformation regarding the role of psychology in society, although in general the public begins to form an idea of what psychological therapy would be, and in summary we could say that it consists of speech therapy, describing in words the different problems that a person has in their daily life (regarding habits, emotional state, thoughts, relationship with other people, etc.) so that the professional may help you find ways to change, improve, or accept the problem with which they come, but all this is done in consultation. In the vast majority of cases, the therapist does not have information with which to work beyond that provided by his client through what has been spoken, which, even though it is of incalculable value, it can sometimes make the task of helping difficult due to lost or omitted relevant information. Below I will roughly expose an example of how a treatment can be improved if the role of companion is performed from the area of psychology, using for this a fairly typical example, depression:
Case 1
A person comes to the consultation with an acute depression problem that has been developing for several months. Let us say that the problematic behaviors that are present are the following: feeling of constant sadness, lack of appetite, lack of meetings and social communication, and a general lack of motivation to do things. When evaluating all the problems, talking to the person, we found that there seems to be no ‘reason’ behind all this, it just started to be like that little by little and they feel unable to change it. Let's focus on the social sphere for this example, let's consider that we ask the person what they feel and think when someone contacts them to go out with their friends or make some other type of social gathering and they tell us that they don't feel or think anything in particular, it just happens that they feel no motivation for it and decide not to, which is also influenced by their general state of sadness and lack of appetite. To help change this, the therapist would probably try to design and establish an action plan where the person would have to say yes to meeting up with someone even if the motivation is not present, and before they’d have to eat something to have energy for what awaits them, but this design would be based solely on the information given by the patient, which, although being incalculable as we have already said, could be omitting some important parts for some reason (among them, that they don’t know what information is important since they have no training in psychology).
Case 2
Now, let's change the perspective and suppose that instead of doing the intervention from the clinical context, we go directly to the person's home as therapeutic companions. Suppose we arrive at the house first thing in the morning to be with the person, as soon as we arrive someone calls the person to go out for breakfast and they immediately say no, getting nervous. When asked what they thought about, they say that they cannot do it, they say they’re feeling ill and does not want people to see them like this, they wonder what other people will say about them or what they would think, having an anxiety response to this idea, but when asked how they feel they say good (they’re not aware of the response they have to the situation). Later, we propose the person to clean up the house (assuming that due to inactivity it is not cleaned) and we see that the person becomes paralyzed, begins to see everything that needs to be done and does not know where to start, they see a load of work that’s so big that it gets coupled with the lack of motivation and paralyzes them, when asked what they think they say that there are too many things to do, that they would exhaust themselves to the point that they could no longer do anything else (thought that could perhaps be omitted in the clinic due to not giving it importance or not remembering that they think about it). Our job here would be to guide and tell them that they can do the activity one by one, you don't have to do it all the same day.
As it may have been observed, in the role of the companion, an incalculable amount of information could be received that in another context could be omitted for various reasons, which shows the value of the role the therapeutic companion plays. As we’ve already mentioned, the role this professional plays is not well known today, both in the general population and by health professionals, which is why a good option for both populations to learn about it, in case this small introduction attracts attention, would be the book by Leonel Dozza de Mendoça entitled 'Therapeutic and clinical accompaniment of everyday life'. In this book, Leonel not only explains the different functions of the companion in a language understandable to all populations, but also describes and bases the reasons why the figure of the therapeutic companion is, and will be, a necessity in our society, the benefits it has and why betting on these professionals is a necessary investment in many current cases.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English, Spanish and Norwegian
What not to say when you don’t know what to say
“I don’t know what to say to her.” At 37 years of age Patricia’s best friend was dying of cancer. Patricia stayed at her bedside in the hospital during her last days. The shared moments were limited to short interactions and gestures of care in silence, just sporadically interrupted by the visits of family, nurses and the oncologist.
Patricia wanted to do the right thing and be there for her friend. She was trying to find her voice in a situation that left her speechless. Between the sadness and anger caused by losing her friend way too soon Patricia asked the questions that we would all have: What to say, when you don’t know what to say.
The real matter behind this question has nothing to do with words. Patricia was searching for a way to express her support and love to a dear friend in a crucial moment.
She called me because I am a clinical psychologist, and apparently that makes me an expert in knowing what to say in tough situations. The truth is that I did not respond as a psychologist, but as a friend and someone who has been in that same situation, attending the process of dying without words. I also responded as a former hospice volunteer, that gave me some specific training on the subject. Also, my experience as a therapist has shown me that there are certain moments in which words are overrated. Death is just one of them.
When a person faces any painful experience like a physical illness, depression, anxiety, discrimination, a breakup or being made redundant, words are not necessarily the first thing needed. Receiving empathy, company, love and support are much more vital. True empathy is rooted in understanding, presence, and commitment. If you want to convey true empathy, turn over the floor and start listening, give a hand instead of an opinion.
During the COVID-19 lock-down in March 2020 many of my clients referred not feeling taken care of by their loved ones and even closest friends. Often, what they said did more harm than good.
Let me tell you what they told me, in their words and experiences.
The following list is not meant to make anybody feel guilty but to raise awareness about the effect of some of the most common phrases we use when we genuinely do not know what to say.
When I am feeling down and you say…..
During the COVID-19 lock-down in March 2020 many of my clients referred not feeling taken care of by their loved ones and even closest friends. Often, what they said did more harm than good.
Let me tell you what they told me, in their words and experiences.
The following list is not meant to make anybody feel guilty but to raise awareness about the effect of some of the most common phrases we use when we genuinely do not know what to say.
- “Don’t cry.” … I feel I must swallow my tears when I really need a should to cry on. Give me a hug or give me your hand, so that I can embrace my tears.
- “Don’t worry.” … I feel insecure, because truth is, I am worried and afraid. Tell me you understand my fear, so that I don’t have to feel so alone in it..
- “It’s not that big of a deal.” … I feel ashamed that I even said anything, am I really just making fuss? Please understand that this is a big deal for me, even if it’s not rational.
- “Don’t be so negative.” …I feel scolded like a misbehaved child. Please, make it OK for me to be negative for today, I will feel better tomorrow.
- “At least it’s not (anything worse).” …. I feel guilty and ungrateful with life. Give me some time and I will see the silver lining, just bear with me until I see the light again.
- “You must be strong.” …. I feel it’s my obligation to tough it out, although I really want to acknowledge my vulnerability and exhaustion. Gently remind me of my strengths and I will use them when I feel ready.
- “This is so terrible .” …. I worry that I must protect you from my pain. I don’t want you to worry about be. It’s nice that you recognize the issue, but please, don’t scare me even more..
- “I am here for what you need”… but then you don’t call me again, I wonder if I can really count on you. Asking for help is hard, just take care of some basics, it helps a lot.
- “You should… ” … I feel pressured and even more tired. I don’t need more advise, but your emotional support. Sit with me in silence and I will find my own solutions..
- ….many things but never stop to listen….I won’t have the strength to interrupt. Give me time and space to find my words and listen to what I have to say, whether you agree or not.
- “I know exactly how you feel.” … I ask myself if you really do. Ask me how I feel, as I am desperate to be heard, help me share my experience, and make sense of what is going on inside of me.
If you want to be there for someone in pain, stop searching for words. Don’t pretend to know, just try to understand. Get out of your head and connect with your heart. It takes some courage, but it’s worth it.
Brene Brown puts it best when she says: “Empathy is not connecting to an experience. Empathy is connecting to the emotions underpinning the experience”.
The Author
Eva Katharina Herber is a Clinical Psychologist and Expert in Positive Psychology at Sinews Multilingual Therapy Institute in Madrid. She helps her clients through times of pain and loss by acknowledging the process of grief, accepting what no longer is, practising mindfulness self-compassion and finding meaning and hope throughout the experience. www.sinews.es
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Diary of a Global Therapist: Third Entry
It is 5 pm in Madrid and 10 am in the United States city where the person with whom I have a session today is. It's my "tea time" and her morning coffee.
Today's session is a follow-up session with an employee of a multinational company in the Gas & Oil sector, she is an expatriate in this American city and today's session is not so simple.
Mrs. X has been going through a difficult emotional situation for months but it was three weeks ago when she summoned up the courage to ask for help and that is why we are here today, in our third session together.
Mrs. X arrived more than a year ago at her new destination; she was traveling alone since after two months her partner with whom she had a relationship for 5 years would join her.
As she told me in the first session in which we met and began the evaluation, the first two months were difficult since she had to adapt to new tasks and in a language that despite being proficient was not her mother tongue, she also felt considerably alone outside of work. Still, Mrs. X was encouraged thinking that her partner would arrive soon and they could explore the area and make all the plans together that she was organizing.
Days before the first two months in that new destination, she received the news that her partner wanted to end the relationship, he had not felt the same for a while and these two months had helped him to understand that he no longer saw Mrs. X as the person with whom to share his life.
Since then her mood and well-being went through ups and downs but it is especially since three months ago that Mrs. X feels daily sadness, sleep issues at night and the need to spend the day in bed, she has altered her patterns of physical activity and eating and all this is affecting her work performance.
From the department of international mobility, they have told her about the possibility of returning to Spain if she continues like this since there are days when she does not go to work and if she feels hardly concentrate and very irritable with her colleagues.
What I have just described, the alterations in routines, mood, sleep, and concentration are clear symptoms of a depressive episode but I consider much more interesting the thoughts and emotions that are feeding these symptoms and that we have explored in previous sessions.
Thoughts related to decision-making to travel to the destination where she is since she would have preferred another project that was offered to her in another country where she knew the team and was more interesting to her, but she chose this American city since it made it easier for her ex-couple could travel with her. She is disappointed with the situation and with herself for having made this decision but also for the possibility of having to return before having learned and grown everything she expected.
Thoughts on the other hand related to guilt and comparison at a social level since she had previously had two similar breakups and the idea of “What is wrong with me? ; "The same thing always happens to me." Adding to this an absolute feeling of loneliness since most of her coworkers lived in family and she felt out of the plans they were making and without the possibility of having a support group.
All these emotions and thoughts of guilt, sadness, loneliness and disappointment with herself and with the situation make Mrs. X live on a roller coaster of constant decisions (which has a lot to do with the alteration of rest and concentration) on whether to going or staying and what to do in both cases. It seems like every time she makes a decision a voice flares up in her head in favor of the opposite and she ends up feeling hopeless at the feeling that whatever she does she won't feel better.
I began this post by saying that it was not a simple session since, on the one hand, it may not be time to make a decision taking into account your mood but on the other hand the well-being and health of the employee and being in a place where she feels alone, without her family and in a stressful environment is not the ideal environment for her mental health.
These types of sessions also produce a waterfall of emotions in me, not only because of concern for Mrs. X's health but also for others like empathy.
Although each experience is unique and personal I think that all of us who have lived outside at some point have had similar thoughts and emotions such as nostalgia, the feeling of loneliness, guilt for not enjoying as much as we should, the comparison with the experiences of other ex-pats and disappointment with certain situations.
I have also experienced weeks in which those monsters in my head did not stop appearing at the least opportune moments and I have also had the feeling of changing my mind several times a day regarding my future.
Of course, almost all of us have also felt anguished after a breakup and blaming ourselves for what happened, thinking about what we have done wrong.
But not all the emotions that appear in me during the session are so difficult, I also feel curious and comfortable.
It is curious that before starting to work on this type of projects with multinationals and of course before the COVID-19 crisis, I thought that online therapy was a way to replace face-to-face if there was no other possibility but today the I find it very interesting and pleasant not only because of the possibility it gives us to help people who are far from us but also because of what we learn from each other.
Mrs. X, like many other clients, has our sessions from home and unless I am in Sinews' office, I usually do them from mine as well.
I see behind her a set of different photos framed in what looks like three white-painted weathered wood frames, they are symmetrically arranged and especially beautiful. In them I can see Mrs. X in what seems like different trips, in one of them she is skiing with some mountains and snow-covered pines behind her, in another she seems to be in a swamp doing a kind of water skiing and in another, I think she is with a group of people. It is curious that although I have asked her in our sessions about her interests and hobbies she has not mentioned any of these activities.
But she can also learn a little more about me on a personal level after these sessions. Even though I try to have a neutral and distraction-free environment when I work from home, there are things that we cannot avoid such as the appearance of my dog, a mastiff as large as it is affectionate during sessions whose head is common to appear or one of his huge legs asking for love. I have also seen the dogs and cats of different clients over the past few years and have occasionally heard relatives or Amazon dealers calling home in the middle of the session. At first, this made me a little uncomfortable, nowadays and as long as it is not a great distraction, I think that these details humanize us, help us to get to know each other and connect us much more despite the distance.
Besides, doing the session from our home, with our favorite tea and mug and the comfort of a rug or the wood under our feet creates a feeling of safeness and self-care very optimal for therapy. Today at the beginning of the session Mrs. X tells me that she wanted to have it, that this morning she returned to do a little exercise, she had breakfast and made a coffee with her favorite vegetable milk to take it with me in session because she has thought that this is a morning that she wanted to dedicate to herself and to take care of herself physically and mentally. This attitude on the one hand surprises me and makes me very happy and on the other it makes me feel similar, comfortable with her, and willing to share and work together during this hour.
We will work together on the importance of normalizing certain emotions, of giving them space but trying not to give them all our attention, we will talk about emotional regulation and we will begin to carry out certain practical exercises and we will also try to incorporate behaviors and activities very little by little and progressively that she used to enjoy.
It is still too early to know how Mrs. X will progress and experience tells me that it is better to be cautious and go step by step, but we will try to learn from this experience and finally decide what to do.
We finish our time together and I send her by email different materials to practice, that, and the invitation to the next session.
See you next week for our next coffee/tea time together. Thank you for sharing so much with me, Mrs. X.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist and Coach
Adults and couples
Languages: English and Spanish
How to handle Procrastination in the midst of a Pandemic
You might have heard the term “procrastination" before, and it is likely you might have experienced it more than once. The definition of the word is: deciding to delay or not complete a task for no valid reason despite the negative consequences of doing so. Making time for doing something of more importance or urgent than the task we are delaying, would not be considered procrastinating. Neither would be making time for an unforeseen event. We procrastinate when there is no good reason to delay the action.
The procrastination cycle has the following steps: I face a task that generates discomfort or negative feelings (I don’t feel like doing it, it’s frustrating, boring, difficult, makes me anxious…) à I try to avoid that discomfort by engaging in another pleasurable task or postponing my goal à I immediately feel better à I face negative consequences long term.
The problem with this cycle is that we tend to repeat actions that have positive short term consequences, despite them having also negative long term consequences. We are wired to prefer immediate gratification despite the possible long term consequences. That is why we might struggle to keep a diet when offered a chocolate cake, or fail to remain focused on completing a boring report.
The negative impact of procrastinating can be severe, depending on the frequency and severity of the behavior. For starters, it deteriorates our healthfor two different reasons. The first one is procrastinating increases anxiety and remorse levels, which in turn create a state of heightened stress that weakens our immune system (particularly if this state is maintained for long). The second reason is when we are procrastinating, we also postpone other important health behaviors, such as getting enough sleep, exercising or keeping a balanced diet. Another negative effect would be decreasing our work or study performance and having to relinquish activities that matter to us. Lastly, other than creating strong and frequent negative emotions, procrastinating also alters the way we perceive ourselves: as less efficient, therefore lowering our self-esteem.
During the Coronavirus crisis, it is possible you may have noticed your productivity taking a dive. Tedious or difficult tasks require a great deal of self-control, which is a limited resource that needs to be recharged often by resting. Disordered habits, the loss of access to pleasurable leisure and social activities, fear and uncertainty create a great deal of stress that make it difficult to recharge our capacity for adequate self-control. It is possible we might feel overwhelmed or unable to properly respond to the current situation, which impacts our ability to function normally.
However, despite being confronted by a situation we cannot change, it is important we don’t get carried away by the paralyzing anxiety and instead we focus on what is actually on our power: our own behavior and the way we manage our time. To avoid procrastination, we recommend the following strategies:
1. Identify whats tasks you procrastinate and why.
The first step to stop procrastinating is to identify which tasks you usually postpone unnecessarily and why. First, you can ask yourself what type of tasks you have the most trouble initiating or concluding. Are you postponing your chores or budgeting? Work or study activities? Leisure or social events? Health related or self-development tasks? When we identify the type of task we have the most trouble initiating, we can better prepare for it by mustering all of our self-control and motivation.
On the other hand, as we previously mentioned, we usually avoid tasks that generate negative emotions . In order to gain insight on how our feelings are playing an important role in the difficulties we may be having, we can develop a simple list of tasks we are procrastinating. In that list, we can write how we feel about each task. It is possible we feel the task is not appealing or fun, that we do not know how to start because we lack information, or that we feel we must complete the task perfectly and those rigid standards prevent us from even starting. Identifying why we are reluctant to start or engage in something will gives clues to solve the problem. el porqué de nuestra reticencia nos dará claves para solventarla.
2. Recognize and confront your excuses
When we decide it is preferable to postpone an important task until the following day without a proper reason and despite the negative consequences, we have found an excuse that allows us to feel comfortable with that decision, at least momentarily. The excuses are usually not adjusted to reality despite seeming believable in the moment. Some examples of the type of justifications we might use are: “It is too late to start it now”, “I won’t get much done, so I’ll just leave it for now”, “It is better to do it when I am in the mood or feeling inspired”,“I will do it once this other thing is finished”, “I have plenty of time, so I can do it later” or, “I work better when I am stressed, so I will leave it to the last minute”. We can find a myriad of examples, but it is likely that you have recognized some of the excuses in this list.
Once we have become aware of how our thoughts are mere excuses to cope with the remorse of not having started or completed an important project, we can refute those thoughts. In order to do so, we will use more adjusted thoughts. Some examples are: “I will not be more motivated to start this tomorrow” “Even if I don’t have time to finish everything, I can start this and make it easier for tomorrow”, “It is not true I work better under pressure, I simply finish things faster but my work suffers”, “I have other things to do, but this one is the most important now”.
You can use your list of identified excuses as a sign that you are about to start procrastinating. This way, you can try to prevent it beforehand.
3. Tolerate discomfort
As we have previously mentioned, procrastination is a habit triggered in part by a low tolerance to discomfort: We avoid a task that generates negative emotions so we don’t have to experience or deal with them. Tolerating discomfort is an ability that can be trained with some practice so it does not become such an obstacle.
One way of achieving this is to expose yourself to the dreaded emotion for a short period of time. For instance, if the emotion we are trying to avoid by procrastinating is boredom, we can remained bored (by not doing anything) for 5 or 10 minutes before starting a boring task. After we have done that, we will be more able to withstand the negative emotion when we start working. The more we practice exposing ourselves to uncomfortable emotions, the easier it will be to stop postponing important activities.
Another way of improving our tolerance to discomfort is to think about negative emotions as something temporary, as a wave that we can surf: First, the emotion intensifies or rises, then it reaches its highest point (the crest of the wave), and finally, it diminishes until it disappears. Being aware of the temporary aspect of emotions makes it easier to tolerate the negative ones.
Another effective strategy to combat procrastination is simply starting a task, even if it is during a short period of time, or if everything we will do for that day is creating a new file and write the title, or reading necessary information. We usually overestimate how negatively we will feel about doing a task before starting it. However, once we start it, the discomfort is not as intense as we initially assumed and we can power through it.
When we cannot manage to start an action, we can ask ourselves: What is the amount of time I am currently motivated or willing to dedicate to this task without postponing it? Is it 30 minutes? 15? 5? Once you have set a time limit, you can start the task without dreading it so much. If you feel motivated to continue working once the time limit you had initially set finishes, you may do so.
We hope this advice has been useful to you. We will also like to remind you of the importance of setting rewards for yourself once you have exposed yourself to the task or completed it. This will make you more motivated towards the task, and help you replenish your energies after.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English and Spanish
Reseña de Libro: Controle su ira antes de que ella le controle a usted
El propósito de las siguientes líneas es esbozar de forma breve aquellos aspectos más importantes del libro de Albert Ellis y Raymond Chip Tafrate “Controle su ira antes de que ella le controle a usted”. En un primer lugar, se expondrán los motivos por los cuales se considera pertinente hablar de esta temática en términos generales y en términos más actuales. El Trastorno Explosivo Intermitente (TEI) consta de una prevalencia entre el 1,4% y del 7%. Por otro lado, a la época actual de confinamiento tan longevo se suma la sombra de la violencia intrafamiliar. De ahí se desprende, a juicio del autor, la necesidad de abordar este tema, apoyándose en el libro que motiva esta reseña.
La época que estamos viviendo demanda de nosotros recursos que hasta hace poco teníamos olvidados o a los que habíamos tenido que acudir en momentos muy puntuales o por períodos breves de tiempo.
Se puede hablar en estos casos de aspectos como la resiliencia, la paciencia o la perseverancia entre otros. Esta situación y sus características pueden producir en nosotros reacciones de irritabilidad y enfado.
Muy probablemente el lector haya sentido, al salir a la calle, las miradas de desconfianza de otros ciudadanos, o cierta irritabilidad referida a la mera presencia de otras personas en el supermercado o el transporte público. Además, la preocupación por la salud se ve acompañada de una preocupación de corte económico que no facilita alcanzar estados de ánimo especialmente positivos. Si a esto le sumamos un confinamiento extendido en el tiempo, con la sombra de la violencia intrafamiliar flotando sobre nuestra sociedad, obtenemos una mezcla de lo más explosiva y necesaria de aplacar. Con todo esto, es más que probable que se den reacciones de enfado o ira. He aquí la utilidad de este libro tanto para el momento presente como para otros momentos no exclusivamente relacionados con el confinamiento y las consecuencias de éste.
El interés de este libro reside en varios pilares. Por un lado, la manera en la que está escrito lo hace enormemente asumible para pacientes y profesionales de la salud mental. Su lenguaje ameno y explicativo le proporcionan una notable utilidad. Por otro lado, el libro aúna varios aspectos enormemente importantes y que se podrían enmarcar en las terapias de tipo cognitivo-conductual: aborda el poderosísimo componente cognitivo de la ira, así como técnicas más procedimentales y comportamentales para amansar reacciones propias del enfado. El libro, asimismo, no edulcora el tema que le compete: la ira presenta unos efectos devastadores para el individuo y su entorno. Mi experiencia en el campo de la clínica con personas que sufren este tipo de problemática me reafirma en el acierto de comentar este último aspecto y en la enorme necesidad de darle su cabida a lo largo del proceso terapéutico: estas consecuencias devastadoras no son en absoluto eludibles.
Este libro es además una extraordinaria oportunidad para adentrarse y comprender la principal aportación de Albert Ellis, que podría resumirse de la siguiente manera: uno no se siente de determinada manera por el acontecimiento o hecho en sí, sino por el significado o la interpretación de ese mismo hecho. Esto significa que el resultado emocional no dependerá del evento, sino de lo que pensemos al respecto. Si me molesto porque mi familia no me presta ayuda, no es solamente por ese hecho, es por lo que significa para mí (“Yo siempre les ayudo y ellos no me ayudan nunca”). Aquí reside la importancia del libro objeto de este análisis. La ira, o el resultado emocional, no es debida al acontecimiento o a “lo que ha pasado”: es debido a qué significa para la persona lo que acaba de pasar.
Por ejemplo, un hombre puede sentirse molesto cuando su mujer le dice que no presta suficiente atención a sus hijos. A ese evento puede, muy probablemente, seguir un pensamiento como “Estoy harto de me vea como un mal padre”. Su mujer no ha dicho que él sea un mal padre, ha dicho que no presta suficiente atención a sus hijos. Hemos ahí el poder de las interpretaciones que nosotros hagamos en relación a lo que nos ocurre. Ese hombre se siente mal por pensar que su mujer le vea como un mal padre, no por lo que ella dijo.
Diversos estudios encuentran una relación positiva entre la impulsividad, la ira y la impaciencia. Cabe, en este contexto, mencionar la elevada de tasa de abandonos (egosintónico y suele provenir por parte de otra persona) cuando la ira es motivo de consulta. Como decíamos, la ira correlaciona con la impaciencia. Esto podría explicar que las personas que padecen este problema cuando no obtienen resultados deprisa, abandonan el tratamiento; cuando obtienen resultados deprisa, abandonan el tratamiento; cuando la pareja les deja, abandonan el tratamiento y cuando la pareja no les deja, también suelen abandonar el tratamiento.
Esto es una llamada a la responsabilidad y el compromiso por parte de aquellas personas que se sientan identificadas con lo que se ha descrito a lo largo de estas líneas. Lejos de culpabilizar, el propósito es también hacer visible el sufrimiento de la propia persona, no solamente de su entorno. A pesar de ser la familia, los amigos, los compañeros de trabajo el termómetro más fiable, la cara visible de las consecuencias, el sufrimiento que padece la persona está lejos de ser un villancico.
Quien “tiene” arranques de ira, explosiones de enfado y actitudes enormemente hostiles a ojos de los demás, también “tiene” una arrolladora sensación de culpa, disgusto e inadecuación, que, sostenidos en el tiempo, facilitarán a su vez un nuevo episodio de enfado.
Este libro puede ser de enorme utilidad también para ellos: hablar de nuestros aspectos más lesivos y “repugnantes” con un desconocido puede no ser plato de buen gusto para todos. El uso de un libro como el que se está comentando puede servir de hoja de ruta, de material a modo de refugio al que acudir. Además, este libro no es indiferente a esto que comentamos: lejos de aplastar cualquier tipo de enfado futuro, también se hace referencia a la función de un enfado adaptado a la situación, como el establecimiento de límites, el hacer partícipes a los demás de aquello que hacen y nos disgusta, etc. Es decir, el enfado forma parte de la vida y cuenta con una función necesaria, siempre y cuando exista una pertinencia y proporcionalidad.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy